Monday, December 6, 2010


Hello Friends,

As I near the end of my pregnancy, I have found myself very emotional. I have read its increased hormones, but really I just am overwhelmed with blessings.  The holidays are not helping!  Thanksgiving was just two weeks ago and I found myself just glowing with thankfulness.  I kept looking at Husband and saying I'm so thankful for everything in our lives.  He would just hug me, give me a kiss and say me too.  Now I am always aware of what I have been blessed with, this year just seems highlighted .  I thought that once the day of Thanksgiving had passed that my emotions would ease.....not so much.

My birthday is coming up this week and Christmas rears its head just 2 weeks after that.  My family is big into make a list and we try to make wishes come true.  I have struggled to make interesting lists for several years, we were on such a strict budget that writing blue jeans on the list was a splurge for me (not so much for my family but they tolerate).  This year, was no exception; and I found that list making was incredibly hard.   I put together a small list of things that would be nice to have and might be helpful in our lives.  (No clothing as who knows what size I will be after baby. )  Well, Husband, mother and sister have been all over me for more interesting  ideas. I just don't have any.  I finally looked at Husband the other day, burst into tears and said, I am just so blessed this year, how can I possibly ask for anything else?  Sure I have wishes and needs but....seriously, they seem so trivial.  

After 8 years of marriage (and almost 2 years before that) living in apartments, we finally were able to buy our first house this year.  After 3 years of trying to no avail, we have managed to get pregnant not once but twice this year.  Of course the first ended badly, but it showed us that something was working and renewed our hope. Then the surprise of this pregnancy.  The fear of the bleeding at the beginning was hard but all tests show perfect growth and development and we have a nursery decorated (mostly) in our new home and now just have to sit tight for his arrival.  We are all healthy, J is happy, somehow the budget keeps working out every month and well...we are doing good.

Lord just the thought of all that brings me to tears.  Hormones?  Exhaustion (I'm not sleeping very well)?  I have no idea I just feel like my cup is overflowing and have never felt this way in my whole life.  I want to treasure it.  I also just want to hold this little one in my arms and sob with relief.  (I'm pretty sure thats whats gonna happen!)

So there you go, my state of mind at 34 weeks.  Now to get through the next 3 when he will be full term and can come at anytime.  I will post as soon as I can once he arrives I promise! If I don't get to write, have a happy holidays to you all.  If you are waiting for your baby blessings, may peace and love guide you through this season. If you're baby blessings or any other life blessings have come to light this year, congratulations and may the feelings of blessings spill over onto others.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Baby's room

Hi everyone,

I had to do the 3 hour glucose challenge last Friday- YUK!  And .....I passed! Thank goodness!

J update - he hasnt said much about his room lately, hoping we can get through the holidays before a big change is required.  I think the picking of paint colors and knowing that we are paying attn to it has helped him.

Husband has been hard at work on getting the baby's room ready and he sent me a pic last night while I was teaching and it looks sooooo cool I just had to share.  According to Husband there is much to do but I am so excited that it looks sonice, I cant believe thats in my house.  The cool painting and the nursery - both amazing.  

Here is a pic:

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Peer 5K?????

So here is a re-do of the post that vanished last week mixed in with a few thoughts from today.

Things here are going great, I am 29 weeks today.  So happy and trilled to have made it this far and cant wait for the next 10 or so to go just as fast and be holding this baby boy in my arms.  Sadly, I failed my glucose test last week so this Friday I have to do the 3 hour Glucose Challenge - ugh.  My boss was kind enough to tell me not to waste a vacation day on lab work so said to just take it as if I were sick.  Love this job!  I have a follow -up level 2 ultrasound scheduled for the week before Thanksgiving and I have graduated to seeing Dr VF every 2 weeks.

Husband has been working hard prepping the baby's room, he painted the base color (a barely there blue) and then he is going to do large vertical stripes in a slightly darker blue on one wall.  In the meantime his creative streak has popped up and he wants to paint the trim white and add a small crown molding at ceiling.  I think it will all look great, I just want it done already!  I want the crib in there I want to feel settled baby wise. He promised its the top priority on the to-do list, hopefully he will be done by Thanksgiving otherwise he will be spending his holiday chained in that room!

This leads me to the title of the post.  My sweet J has experienced peer pressure, in 5K!!!!  UGH.  Last week, when I was teaching, he went to Husband and said he needed to change his bedroom from Thomas the Train to something else because Thomas was for little kids.  He was soooooo sad but adamant.  Kids at school had told him that and he was not a baby.  The sad part is J LOVES Thomas, and so do we as a family.  Husband told me when I got home (J was in bed) and I immediately went into angry mama bear mode.  What right to do those little F-er's (sorry - they messed with my little boy) have to tell him he's a baby for liking Thomas?  I would put money on that they still need a special toy or lovey and a mama snuggle to go to sleep at night.   It took me two days to calm down enough to approach J about it.  So I finally sat down with him on Wednesday and asked what was going on.  He said that he doesn't play with it anymore and that kids at school said it was for little kids (seriously, they are 5 and 6 yrs old - they are ALL little kids!  Breathe mama..............).  I apologized and said I think that he hasn't played with it for awhile is because we have been so busy with our new house, and his new school, new routines and the baby coming that we haven't gotten down on the floor to play trains with him. I said we would make a point to do so in the coming weeks.  I also reinforced that if he likes Thomas, he can like Thomas.  What ever those other kids say, it's not their business.  He cried.  He curled up in my lap and cried. My heart ached for him.

Now this is not the first and only time I had heard the desire to change his room, this is just the first time he verbalized that others are pushing him.  The first time he mentioned it was when we went paint shopping for the baby's room, we were by the Disney paint samples and he saw a brochure on making your room the "Cars" theme.  Super cool but the bed and the dresser made it.  It was a toddler bed shaped like a race car- he is so far past that size and the dresser was a real tool box.  Do you know how much a real tool box costs? The other cool part was the carpet had been taken out and roads painted on floor.  I am not ripping out new carpet to paint a road  - sorry!  Besides he will out grow the Cars theme much quicker than trains.  So I said no  - unless he wanted to give away the Thomas bedding to another boy. He immediately retracted the statement and I thought we were done.  Not so much.

So I have came up with a sort of solution.  Not totally changing the theme - which is trains heavily accented with Thomas - but adjusting and taking the Thomas out, if he really wants.  I am game to replace the comforter and sheets (and pray the baby has a Thomas phase so we can re-use) with either basic trains or just a basic color and to make it fun and new paint on the walls in his room too.  Sigh - not a project I had anticipated adding now but maybe it will help with baby transition too.  He seemed agreeable and we will let it lie a bit before jumping in.  Besides as I said, Husband must finish this project before starting another or mama is gonna get really unhappy.  :)  We did pick up some paint samples at the store the other day, thinking dark blue on lower, red stripe around at chair rail height, and a real light color (undecided) on top.  These colors will potentially get us through a few theme changes in the future.  Husband will also paint the trim white and add the crown molding at the top so it matches baby's room.  

I will keep you posted.  I just had to share in my dismay at 5K peer pressure.  It all starts so young!

Have a good one friends!

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Ugh, technology

Hello friends,

I wrote a post yesterday and its not there.  Trying to re-write.  Will post soon.  I hate technology sometimes.  I hope all is well.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


2010 Baby #1 Original Due Date.

Well last week I touched on this date and how I wasn't sure what I was feeling about it.  I have to say writing always makes me feel better and I had put it out of my head.  Until yesterday when I realized the date and the meaning of it.  Yesterday (Monday) was 10-11-10 but Sunday and Monday I was an unexplained and out of control emotional mess.

Weekend rundown leading to said mess (sorry in advance if its long winded):
Husband had taken it upon himself to install our dishwasher this weekend and anyone married to a DIY'er (a beginner one at that) will know that its at least 2 trips to the hardware store....a day.  Seriously.  Well, we only have one car and J and I had dance class and J had rehearsal for the Nutcracker (hes gonna be a Gingerbread boy!) on Saturday, then home for naps and we all went to dinner at a friends house.  Stop by the Home Depot (HD) on the way to friends - no less than 35 minutes in the store - goes without saying, we were late for dinner.  Great time at friends house, dinner by the fire pit and great conversation.

Sunday morning had J and I off to church.  Then after a quick stop by home for clothing change and lunch, we were off to zoo class to learn about Rhinos.  We dropped Husband off at HD on the way to the zoo.  The plan was for him to get the part he needed (they sold him wrong one on Sat), go home and finish that section of the install so we could pick him up for a birthday party we had to attend.  The plan completely bombed.  The bus took longer than expected to get him home, HD gave him wrong part AGAIN and he was not ready for party when zoo class ended.   He was going to get back on the bus and waste 3 more hours going to and from to try again.  Thats stupid.   Thank goodness for great friends because, despite it being a family orientated party, they told me to drop J off at the party and go do what I needed to do.  So I left him there with the present, ran home, got Husband, went to a different hardware store - another 30+ min inside, and then stopped at Sams Club across the street so I could get a few necessities.  Husband said lets just go get dinner at the party, pick up the boy and come home.  I looked at him, he was wearing the same cloths as the night before (same friends), he hadn't showered and when I asked if he had even brushed his teeth, the answer was negatory.  OK seriously, I get the wearing the same cloths, not showering and tossing on a baseball hat, but not brushing teeth?  Gross!  So I took him home to clean up, and in the meantime had a major meltdown over the messy house, my lack of time, my lack of control over life, everything.  I had known it was going to be a busy weekend but the extra trips to help get to the hardware stores and the knowledge at the end of the trips that the DW was still not going to be fully installed yet, missing visiting with other friends at the party, running running running, no time in the near future to clean out the toy room for the transformation to the baby's room, no time for picking paint, no time no time no time.  It all just put me over the edge.  So I cried, cleaned myself up, left Husband there to work on DW a bit more, went back to party which had by now broken up for the most part; ate some dinner, gave my exhausted boy a shower and jammies in case he fell asleep in the car and headed home.  Got him in bed and had more tears - same stuff:  just felt like my to do list was growing by the minute and my time to do it in was shrinking.  I was paralyzed and didn't know where to start.   So the logical thing to do is sit down and have a good cry right?  ugh  off to bed for me.  BUT because I'm so worked up, I woke up at 2:45 to pee and never went back to sleep until 5 (the alarm goes off at 6:15).  I wasn't overly anything:  just awake.  My brain was running but on what?  Not sure.

Nick had Monday off to accept delivery of our new furniture for the living room and supposedly work on DW so did not set his alarm and.....I overslept.  That started the day off just peachy. Work was a lot for a Monday as our servers had been down Thurs and Fri and I had a huge backlog of invoicing and shipping to get out.  The day flew and was highlighted by pics from home of the new furniture and Nick decorating.  It looks gorgeous and so.....grown up.   Sometime in the day someone mentioned that Sunday had been 10/10/10.  I kind of hit me like a ton of bricks.   But then I couldn't dwell, I had to finish my work.   When I got home and saw the beautiful new room and asked where everything else that had been in that room had was either on the table in the family room, shoved into the baby's room, or tossed downstairs.  And the DW was no further than on Sunday night.  Oh the wave of overwhelmed got so much bigger in just a few minutes.  Tears again.  But I had only a few minutes to cry as I had to leave to go teach dance  (there is some other stress happening there  - I didn't react well to something I didn't agree to and now that is looming as well).  Go teach, immerse myself in sharing my love of dance with children and I will say, that helped.  Got home and had a heart to heart with Husband.   Nothing really serious but we have been running running running and I think it had been awhile since we really talked.  When I told him the baby's due date would have been Sunday and he came and curled up with me in our new big chair - rubbed my belly with our new baby in it and cried with me.  We agreed we are in a better place but that we were sad that one hadn't worked out.  Then we slept - I think I was dehydrated as I slept through the night - no waking up to pee, but that may have been a blessing.

Today I know we will figure it out.  Today I know that our house wont ever be perfect.  Today I know that I am loved by many despite the mess in my house and the chaos in my life.   There was too much going on over the weekend.  And yet, in hindsight that was all handleable and kinda normal in the Motley house.   I think that though I was kind of unaware of the date, my emotions and body were fully aware and trying to make me take a moment.  So lesson learned, take a moment.  Acknowledge the time, mourn the loss, and move on.  Sorry again for the long winded-ness.  If you made it to here, you are amazing.  Have a great week everyone.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Absent Blogger Update

Hello Friends,

Despite a significant absence to the blogging world, things here are going just fine.  I read all the blogs on my reading list every day (I think its an addiction) I just haven't had much to say.   So an update is in order.

J started 5K the day of my last post.  He loves it! And hes tired!  My late night baby (9 or later if we were lucky) has graduated to an 8:30 boy no complaints and out like a light in a matter of minutes.  I debate about having him go down earlier but then I would NEVER see him and we could get nothing done on a weeknight.

J is very excited about the baby.  He is very thoughtful too.  We have a Carters Outlet nearby and they sent a coupon card in the mail.  J got the mail and brought it to me cooing "oh mommy look a baby sale, we should go buy something for my baby brother!"  Seriously, how who can resist that  - esp with his big blue eyes and sweet little face!  So, a few weeks ago I took J to the mall to visit the Oshkosh B'Gosh Outlet for fall school cloths and we stopped by Carters with our coupon and I let him pick out an outfit for the baby to come home in (with a train on it of course) and a fun one (with a monkey playing the guitar) for next spring or summer.  But I had to put the brakes on, he wanted to buy everything!  I had to convince him that we had tons of cute stuff from him and we should check out that before buying too much.  We did find a lovey (a super soft, small blanket square with a small stuffed animal head) for the baby at Kohls.  J had had a very cute lion one, actually 2, so one could be in the sitter bag or the wash and the other in his crib.  He picked out Winnie the Pooh and yes we did buy 2, but boy was he proud! Last night we were at Target and he wanted to buy the baby a cute toy.  I said no  - we need to see what we have already! Then we went out for dinner and he said - "the next time we come here mommy we have to sit at a table with 4 chairs for sure cause of my baby brother!"  I just think its so sweet.

Husband has been working on the house (installing a disposal a few weeks ago and this coming weekend the dishwasher goes in!  Whooo hooo!)  He has also started sorting out our basement.  When we moved into the new house, we emptied/dumped our storage unit into the basement with the intention of dealing with it soon.  Well, then I got pregnant and tired so not much has happened.  He had me come down and point out everything the baby would need for the 1st three months or so.  That buys him like 6-7 months before he has to dig anything out again.  I can't wait to take it all upstairs and set up the nursery. To wash the cloths and show J how little he was.  We are formulating a plan to take the toys from the toy room and relocate them downstairs while keeping them accessible so we can paint and make that the baby's room.  My best friend E and her mom want to come over and help paint - and they suggested stripes!  I cant wait! She had done that in her nursery and it turned out soooo beautiful.  I will post pics once its done.  We are reusing the nursery bedding from J as we love it and don't see reason to buy new.  J is proud to share it!  The theme?  Sealife.

Me?  I am 25 weeks today.  I am feeling well and growing bigger and bigger.  I slightly regret having taken an I don't give a Sh!t attitude to my eating after the miscarriage.  Its hard to turn around, and my sweet tooth is bigger than ever with this baby!  I am worried I am turning into a whale and that I will never wear my size 12s again.   Someday I hope to be even smaller than a 12 but right now a 12 post baby would be amazing.   I just feel so big already.  However, my Dr said she was thrilled at my last visit.  My weight, blood pressure, babys heartbeat and his measurement were all spot on she said. So I guess try to watch what I eat, rest when I'm tired (something I notoriously suck at - I usually just push though) and grow a healthy baby boy.

The name game....? I think we have it, not finalized but certainly our top contender.  Zachary.  The middle name will start with a J as Husband, J and myself all have J middle names.  This name is undecided.  The best part is J really likes this name, he got excited and stopped asking for Phineas or Ferb!

Lastly, I have had some strange emotions this week.  This coming Sunday is my original due date from the pregnancy in Jan.   I am acutely aware of the date, but  I am so firmly encompassed in this pregnancy and preparing and living life that I don't feel overly sad.  Is that wrong?  I wear my reminder charm on my necklace every day, and feel lost if I don't have it on.  Am I sad that that baby is not coming home now? Yes I guess so, although I have really been working on trusting in God and his plan for us.  I am certain that there was something about that baby that we were supposed to learn from....I am just not sure I  know the specific lesson yet. Unless it was simply to trust and what is supposed to happen will - ie: this baby.

I will try to keep you better posted  - I forgot how good it feels to write.  I hope all is well with you my friends. Have a great day!

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Its a.........

Boy! J is getting a baby brother in January! His comment? "I knew it!" with a huge grin!

I just have to say the wonder of technology and getting to lay on the table for 30 minutes and watch my baby suck his thumb and move around was truly amazing. OK, I will admit it, I got teary for a moment seeing that image. I have felt little flutters here and there (and the occasional kick straight down into my nether regions - ouch already!) but to see him and to have the perinatologist tell us that he is measuring perfectly, that he sees no signs of genetic defects (which just backed up a clear quad screening from 4 weeks ago), I just feel so peaceful today.

We started the name game last night - oh dear this process is slow. Naming a child is such a huge responsibility! You have to think of playground teasing, nicknames - good and bad, family names and history. Plus I've been a teacher for 20 years and some names just bring shivers of not good feelings with them. Not fair to all the other kids named "x" who are perfectly fine, but there is that memory..... Then to top it all off, you have to agree! Husband suggested Clayton (I don't think so....) and J thinks we should name the baby Phineas (from "Phineas & Ferb" on the Disney channel) he has been veto'd several times but he is lobbying hard.

Thanks for all the well wishes everyone. We are definitely feeling blessed today!

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

catching up

Hello Friends,

Don't be worried or mad at my lack of posting, I am almost 20 weeks (tomorrow in fact) and I have found a peace and a rhythm to life right now and while its great for me.....frankly, its a boring existence to write about. I realized one day that my energy was returning and it feels good. Just in time for J to start 5 year old kindergarten, just in time to help prep the house for baby. Just in time to enjoy a weekend away with friends and the coming of fall!

Oh yeah! We did tell J. Before we went out of town with our friends. It was just getting too hard. Too many people knew and I was worried it would slip. So we sat him down and I asked him if he'd been praying for anything. He pondered for a moment and then said "a baby?" I paused before saying anything as he was still thinking of something....then he loudly says, "NO WAIT, a DS!" (for those not in the know, a Nintendo DS is a handheld gaming system that I said he cant have till hes 7). I made a face and he sat back and said again, "a baby?" I said yes and he is sooo excited. he is gonna be a great big brother. He asked some questions and then we left it alone, plenty more time to discuss. Later that night, we were snuggling before bed and he looks at me very seriously and says, "mom, we gotta call a babysitter." I had no idea why so I said so and with a quivering chin he says, "because the baby doesn't have a school to go to when you are at work." Oh my. How frikin' sweet can you get? I reassured him that the baby would go to his old baby sitter and he said oh ok and rolled over and went to sleep.

One other exciting event will happen in just 1 hour...I go for my level 2 ultrasound and we can find out if baby is pink or blue! I will post again and let you all know.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

14 weeks!

Hello Friends,

Well, yesterday I crossed the 14 weeks along mark. I cannot believe I have made it this far. I cannot believe that after all the trying and then the loss in March, that we are actually at 14 weeks. It still doesn't feel real.

There have been no more signs of blood since before my appt at 11 weeks. I feel good in general. I am getting my energy back, and my nausea, as well as the related snacking, is much less. My belly is growing, although I suspect that my existing belly fat is just moving around and becoming more prominent - I know thats not all baby!

We still haven't made a general announcement. My dance students don't know, though the other teachers do. Some people at my day job know but others don't, although I am sure some have guessed as I think I look pregnant. My real cloths are too tight and my maternity cloths are too big. So I am a mess when I get dressed in the morning. Close friends know and some relatives know. Facebook friends don't know. I think I am kind of am waiting for my appt with Dr VF next week to get one last reassurance. J does NOT know and we haven't decided when to tell him. Sometime before January I'm guessing! Just kidding. Probably after my "real" ultrasound, which I think will be in week 16 or 17.

The big question about that? Are we going to find out the gender? Hell yes! I needed to know with J, now I waited all this time...I NEED to know. Plus, on the practical side, if its a girl, I can go through all his boy stuff and have a rummage sale now to clear out the basement (and then go buy tons of girlie stuff!)

In other parts of my life, our new house is not much more settled than a few weeks after we moved in. Mainly because the tiredness kicked in with a vengeance. There are boxes galore in the basement, and there are no pics on the wall. But the house is ours, we love it and we figure we will be there for 30 more years right? :) We can get ready for work and school, prepare meals, and most importantly, I have a bed. Do we need much more?

I am starting to have more energy so I am thinking I can slowly tackle small projects now. Husband has a shelving project in the basement (all of a sudden the plans for it include, insulation, drywall and this normal?) and has been happy as a clam puttering in the yard. J - just loves everything. We gave him a spray nozzle for the hose and he will water the plants and play for hours in the water if we let him -but we can't as the Wisconsin state bird, the mosquito, would turn him into a swollen, itchy mess. I'm so glad we were finally able to give him this (the yard not the bites). Maybe by next year a play set will appear in that backyard!!! He is also rocking out at swimming lessons and in general having a fun summer. I will admit that I'm a little jealous as I drop him off for days of play at the sitters or at the daycare for field trips to many area parks.

So on the whole things are going well with us. How are things with you?

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Eleven Weeks

Well, I'm still scared to say it out loud. I'm still scared to buy new bigger-in-the-waist pants, though lord do I need to. I'm nervous every time I go to the bathroom and wipe. I need to relax because baby bear looks good.

Dr did a rough measurement during our ultrasound on Tuesday and it was 11weeks 2 days!!! I should only have been 10 weeks 6 days and she even said, its a rough measurement, I think it was bigger than that. She was very happy with the way the baby looked - I don't remember seeing any movement other than heartbeat but she was happy so that means I am happy. I don't go back now for 4 weeks. Oh dear. Can I wait that long? Will she let me look again? If not I am pretty sure we have an ultrasound on week 16 to look for birth defects (I'm old you know!).

I feel pretty good, trying to chill. I'm just so flippin' tired today. I can barely keep my eyes open at my desk. We have a low key, three day weekend for the 4th and I can't wait!!! Is it Friday yet? Happy Independence Day everyone - be safe.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010


Hello friends,

I have not been writing as I was trying not to dwell on my worries. I ended up calling the Dr last week and talking to a triage nurse. She was convinced that the bleeding was from straining with a BM and it seemed normal. I am trying soooo hard not to worry about every twinge and just be. I did move my appointment up from Thursday to today. I am going at lunch. Husband is going with me. I just have started to allow myself to believe that I am pregnant, to believe that it may happen, to make plans for when baby comes...I am nervous to go today. I am thinking mostly positive thoughts. I am also prepared for the worst. Ugh!!!!! I cant wait to see the little one on the screen. I want to hear Dr say that all looks amazing.

Thats all for now. Just a noisy brain and an unsettled stomach.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Holding on to hope on Fathers Day

Warning: TMI filled post to follow. Apologies in advance.

So despite my re-assuredness of the last doctors appointment, I woke up at 4 on Sat morning to surprise surprise, go to the bathroom and was shocked to see bright red blood streaked cervical mucus not a lot but enough to set off the alarm bells. I woke Husband up and shakily whispered "I 'm bleeding." He sweetly took me in his arms and held me and then asked how bad. Not much but nothing I wanted to see I said. He convinced me that it was no more than in Florida and things were fine. We had just seen two good ultrasounds and awesome growth...she said the chance was less than 5%. Please come to bed he said. As I lay in bed with his arms around me, I was trying trying so hard not to tense up my tummy muscles. Trying not to squish the fragile life inside me that I fear is slipping away. What a silly thought right? I felt crampy but I was also a bit constipated....what am I feeling miscarriage or just a belly full of poo? Who knows. We awoke at 8:30 and took J to see Toy Story 3 with some friends. A good reason to get up, shower, get dressed and live a little. The movie was cute (a bit dark if you ask me) and we came home for naps. Then a low key evening and early to bed. Not one sign of blood all day long. Not a drop. Maybe a fluke I thought and relaxed as I fell asleep.

Until this morning, I awoke at 5 to go to the bathroom and there was (TMI again) pinkish orange-ish fluid on the TP. I didn't wake up Husband, I crawled back in bed and somehow fell into sleep. I tried to be excited when J brought in his Fathers Day card and present to Husband at 7:05. I tried to be a good mom and get up then but I couldn't so we set him up with the Wii and let him play while I slept for awhile longer. I whispered to Husband that I am not sure things are going in the right direction. He hugged me and monitored me all day long. I am frightened. I had opened up my heart to think all was well. I am sooo afraid that all is not well. I did eventually get up and we were productive today. It actually felt good. And like yesterday, there have been no more negative signs. I am wishing for a window into my belly so I can see for myself that all is well or not. Waiting 2 weeks seems like forever, yet I don't want to just run to the Dr again for nothing.....its 2 hours out of my day and Husbands cause I would ask him to go too. I think I will call in the morning and see what Dr says....I'm a little afraid of going to sleep because inevitably I will have to get up to pee and then......Arrrrgggghhhhh I HATE THIS!!!!!!!

Oh friends, why is this not easy? I remember being pregnant with J and I was so ....carefree. What the hell did I know. I didn't even realize he was my miracle baby. I didn't savor it. Now the quest to bring him a healthy baby brother or sister into the world is all consuming. I can make it through the business day but by the time we get home I'm physically beat. Then, I'm trying soooo hard to stay positive but fresh memories of a miscarriage in March easily creep into my head. I'm mentally exhausted.

Husband just came in and said your typing like a mad woman. I guess I just needed to get this all out. Thanks for listening and sending your thoughts. I really appreciate it. Love to all. Prayers for baby. Good Night.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Gummi Bear

So my friends, 1st, if you haven't read the post from last week titled "Vacation and some other positve news", you may want to read the positive news section before moving on to this one. :)

Now on to this weeks appointment. I patiently waited from last week Tuesday to yesterday. Somehow, managed to not worry, stayed off of Dr Google, and took it easy. I was met with great reward. And I don't mean the 4 lbs gained from the constant grazing needed to keep the nausea at bay! :) Dr came in and got right down to peeking business. She instantly started gushing about how good it looked and how huge it was (I am not sure I like the term huge - J was a 9lb 3oz baby and huge is scary!). She was thrilled at the growth and how perfect the baby looks at this stage. It looks like a gummi bear she said and it did. We could see arm and leg buds, the big head and the little curved body. Wow thats a lot of change for 9 days! So for two weeks in a row we have officially seen a baby with a heartbeat WITH good growth and got pictures to take home. She was thrilled and I feel better. Still not shouting from the rooftops, but much better.

I see her again in 2 more weeks (I think she is doing that for my peace of mind, but who cares I'll take it!!!) I will be 11 weeks along then and really close to out of the first trimester. Then she will graduate me to once every 4 weeks.

Will I ever relax? I still can't totally believe it. I still am protecting my heart a bit. January is a long ways off. Thoughts for another post, I guess cause I don't wanna think about scary stuff right now. Positive, positive, positive.

Happy Friday to all - have a great weekend everyone! I gotta go find a snack.....

Monday, June 7, 2010

Vacation and some other positve news

Hello friends!

Well back to reality today. The alarm went off very early and sent us marching back to work. Our vacation was Fabulous!!!! Here are the Cliffs Notes.

We arrived in Pensacola, Florida on Tuesday night and by early morning Wednesday, we were watching the Blue Angels practice their show in the rain - J's eyes could not have gotten any bigger and I am a bit of a speed freak so it was AMAZING. The rain tapered off and we walked on Officers Beach on the base and it was gorgeous, sadly just off shore there were crews setting out protective booms for the impending oil. We had lunch on a deck next to a bayou, swam in my bff's pool and went to dinner on the beach and walked way out on a pier. Thursday, we got a late start, packed a picnic lunch and ate it under a shelter near the road - overlooking the beach. Soooo beautiful. The rain came and delayed our intentions of a dolphin cruise, but we did some shopping and got on a 6 oclock cruise. I have never seen so many dolphins! It was amazing. The captain let all the kiddos on board take a turn at the wheel and photo op for the parents - J looked sooo proud. Dinner at a great Irish place. WAAAYYYY too much food. Friday dawned hot and we headed to a southern cooking place for lunch - soooooooo good! OMG! then to the beach for a long afternoon playing in the surf. Word of tar balls washing up had brought out the news crews from as far as Atlanta and they were all over the boardwalk - weird. But we saw no oil so our day was fantastic. A thunderstorm chased us away and we ended up at a great burger joint. Early to bed after showers and lotion for slightly sunburned skin. (we are from Wisconsin - it doesn't take much!). By Saturday morning they were finding tar balls on the beach we had just been playing at. I had felt empathy and sadness for the region prior to going - now it just makes me sick. Saturday the weather did not play nice and it rained/stormed all day so we stayed in and watched Disney movies. The storms of course messed up our flights home so we flew to Atlanta, spent the night at a hotel there and got up early to catch a plane home. We were home and in bed for much needed naps by noon, up around 2, went to 2 children's birthday parties, and the grocery store all by 6pm and managed to get unpacked and 2.5 loads of laundry done.

Now for the positive news:

Husband/Cancer update, Nick had an annual appointment with a new Oncologist this morning and he has reached the 10 year graduation mark! We don't have to have these appointments or tests anymore! HOOOORRRAAAYY! Just live a healthy life and have some normal screenings, colonoscopy and prostate screenings at age 40.

Me update: I haven't wanted to say anything, because frankly, I am nervous, a bit scared and just dont know what to think and but I needed some online support. So here goes...... Three weeks ago today I took a positive pregnancy test. We weren't trying, we weren't supposed to be trying, frankly we were just enjoying a marital moment and I told him not to stop (it was good! hehehehe) then I started wondering one day where my cycle was.....and I realized I was late. So I took a test and sure enough, pregnant. All was going well until last week in Fla, I had a little blood streaked cervical mucus, and it hasnt really gone away. I dont know what to think, I dont know what to do. I didn't let it wreck the vacation (we don't have the money to take them very often) though it did put a cloud of awareness over it. Since the day I found out, I have been protecting my heart, honestly if I miscarry, I will be sad but I dont think devastated....I may be able to have it happen naturally. Is that weird? Is that just brave talk? I go to my OBGYN tomorrow at lunch. I dont know what to think. I have told very few people, and honestly, if some of my real life friends find out on this website instead of in person, I am very sorry. I am just protecting myself. Please, please understand. I will try to update tomorrow after the appointment - prayers are appreciated.

*****UPDATE: Dr appt today. I was really nervous! Like almost threw up nervous. According to her chart baby should have measured at 7 wks 6 days..........actually measured at 8 wks 4 days! WOW! She was thrilled and said she was very happy and excited. Bringing me back next week as a precaution due to the small amt of bleeding and will do all the blood work and routine testing then. I will be taking Husband with me this time! :) Thanks for the prayers - please keep us in your thoughts as we move through this. I am going to try to relax and just be until next week Thursday. 9 days.....can I really wait 9 days to see the little one again?

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Moving out of the fast lane

Hello Friends.

This one will be short and sweet! Life indeed has been a fast lane since my last post. We moved into our new house, moved our offices to new space, cleaned out of our apartment, my students had annual recital (which is a week of late nights), my son had 5K orientation (gasp!). Oh but wait, we are not out of it all yet. We are helping to host a pig roast at my MIL's this coming weekend (Husband and BIL will roast the pig) and then we go on vacation after Memorial Day.

Questions of the day? How do you like your new house? Love it! Are you getting settled? needs to be home in order to devote time to settling. We still have lots of boxes in the basement. We have found the essentials and can get to work dressed and presentable but don't ask me where a strainer is in the kitchen! But it is ours, and it seems HUGE. (It's not!) There are sooo many windows and the light just comes through all day long. So does the breeze when the windows are open. LOVE IT!

Not much else going on, I have been reading posts during downtime but just didn't have anything to say. I have barely been on Facebook and the only way I've been keeping up with emails is via my Blackberry.

I hope this finds you all well, and I promise to write again soon. Though that may be after our trip to Florida. Pray the beaches in Florida are not oil soaked!!!!!!!! We booked our flight in Jan to take J to experience the beach and spend time with my bestie but we may be doing alot of hanging by the pool. Stupid BP!!!!

Have a great day!

Friday, April 16, 2010

Be careful what you wish for

Hi everyone. I just have to say sorry for the big gaps in postings. Busy, busy, busy. We signed on our first house last night (hooray!!!) so of course have been in a packing frenzy at home and will move this weekend. Apparently I'm not good at dusting in our bedroom - holy cow!!! Our office is also moving next week and the dust from packing up both places, as well as spring springing, my allergies and asthma are out of control. I have been sucking on my inhaler, popping Claritin, Sudafed, and ibuprofen for almost a week. I rarely take any of these. Right now just trying to get through all this and still be able to breathe!

So, in my last post I was lamenting the lack of my cycle returning after my miscarriage/D&C and wishing for it so that maybe my hormones would chill out. Well, as the post title implies, I got my wish and my dear friend arrived on Wednesday, with a vengeance. TMI alert - just like after my surgery in September, it is very thin and bloody, like a bloody nose. I am flowing soooo well that yesterday morning, in just over an hour. I bled through a super tampon and soaked an ultra thin maxipad - went right over the wings and through my jeans-at work. UGH! Other than when I am sleeping, I haven't been that much of a mess since the 8th grade. Thankfully, we were only working a half day so that we could go to our closing. So I put my jacket on my chair, had Husband check to make sure leak through wasn't obvious and sat for another 2 hours, running to the bathroom two more times to prevent more mess. Then off to home to change. Husband just said, this is what you wanted right? Well, yeah.....but this is a bit much don't you think? So my bloating is going down, my emotions feel more even keeled, and I am relieved to not be pregnant (weird to say that), but it looks like a murder scene every time I go to the toilet. Its here, I got my wish, now it needs to go away. I have to move this weekend, and next!

In other new-sy news, J gets his cast off on Tuesday, the jeweler called and my charm is done, now I just need to find 5 minutes to go pick it up. Gotta run for now - I am keeping up on my followings but be awhile before I post again. My brain is tired and formulating cohesive thoughts is tough.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Flat lining......

No no no...don't jump to conclusions, it's nothing bad. But it's the best way to describe me right now. While I'm super busy at work and at home and and even kind of overwhelmed with life right now, I just feel...nothing. The best way I can think of is that I'm flat lining. I'm not sad, not mad, not happy, I just kind of am.

Yesterday, J woke us up early for his Easter Egg hunt (extra fun with all the moving boxes piled up all over and an arm in a cast up to his armpit!) and then we got all dressed up and went to church. Then we came home and I made cheesy potato casserole and Husband made Eggs Benedict - mmmmmmm! Then it was time for naps. Husband wanted a "nap" wink-wink. But I just really wasn't interested. Lets pack boxes, not interested, go to park with J and fly his kite, not interested- but went anyway to take pics and do family stuff. Eat healthy? I did for 3 days last week and it was ok then kind of said I don't care again on Thursday and ate like crap all weekend. Now guessed it I'm just not interested. I want what I want and I'm gonna enjoy it cause thats the only thing that feels good right now. Ugh - I hate feeling like this.

Its been 4.5 weeks since my D&C, and I want to get my period already, like maybe it will flush this weird apathy away with it. We weren't careful a few times, I stupidly didn't think I could get pregnant after the D&C (in all fairness, I couldn't after my laprascopy in Sept) I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I'm afraid to be pregnant right now. Esp before I actually cycle again. She told us to wait until I have had 2 periods. For sure wait for 1. I don't want to find out I am and lose it again 'cause I was stupid. UGH! Just come already AF! The sooner you come, the sooner the next one will come, the sooner we can try again for real.

On another note, I have an anniversary band that we had J's birthstone added to at Christmas time. It was catching on my clothing so we stopped by the jeweler's and while they fixed it, I asked about a small gold charm that I can wear on my everyday necklace that will have meaning for just Husband and I. I have been wearing an opal (Oct birthstone - angel baby's due date) since the day after the D&C, but my grandmother gave it to me, opals are more fragile, and I don't think it's the kind of stone you wear everyday. Wisconsin weather could cause it to crack and I would feel awful for many reasons. So she helped me pick out a tiny open heart charm and it will be here in two weeks. That felt kind of good. I will try to post a pic when I get it.

So there you have it. Me. Flat.

I should go and get some work done. Kinda don't wanna do that either. :)

Friday, April 2, 2010

Hanging in there and The Infertility Blog Hop

Hi all - no posts lately, been super busy with our multiple moves, J's broken arm. I'm doing pretty well - too busy to wallow right now.

I wanted to try something new. A blogger I follow is hosting a blog hop and i wanted to participate.

So here goes. I will post again as soon as it all settles down.

MckLinky Blog Hop

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

More unplanned medical madness

First an apology for the pics being positioned weird and in the wrong order. I don't know how to maneuver them.

How could there be more unplanned medical madness you ask? Well....first off it wasn't for me this time. You can see by the pics to the left that it was J. On Monday at 5:05, his teacher at school calls. He took a tumble on the playground, hurt his arm, and just isn't recovering how he normally does. My radar goes up. Define that please. There was no blood, bruising, swelling, he can move it and yet he is still whimpering and guarding it. Oh lord.

So we get to school and something is definitely not right. Call pediatrician and he can come to the clinic and get x-rays but if its broken we will still have to go to ER for casting. So skip that. Off to the ER we go! (OK we have beyond met our medical deductible at this point. I think this ER trip may even have been 100% covered.) My boy looked sooo little and sad laying on the gurney (see photo) and getting wheeled away to get an x-ray which showed a small crack in the bone above his elbow. Oh GOODIE. They gave him pain meds, put a splint on it, and gave him a sling. Apparently it felt much better (see photo).

Side note: It is letter "x" week at school and the Dr gave us a printout of J's x-rays - I scanned it, printed it out and he took in the best example of something that starts with an x! Don't ever say the Motleys don't go the extra mile! :)

2.5 hours later he is discharged with instructions to make an appt with orthopedic surgeon in 3 days. They did send us home with Tylenol with Codine for him - makes sleeping good for him. So now I get to miss work, again, and take him to a fracture specialist tomorrow. We shall see what they say. J is being a trooper about it all. He even took a bath tonight with a garbage bag on his arm.

How am I doing? Pretty well. Lots to distract me obviously. We are three weeks away from moving into our new house, and four weeks away from moving our work to a new location. As office manager, I know every detail of that move down to almost the hour between now and then. As me, after hours, I have almost nothing planned for our move. Some boxes are packed, some stuff has been sorted and purged. Oh well - we don't officially have a loan commitment yet - its still in process - I think I'm nervous it will fall through like my pregnancy. Patience is a virtue! Right???? On that note, J asked in the grocery store today why he has to wait so long for a baby sister. I explained that God has a plan and we need to be patient. Maybe he wants us to move into our new house first and then we just need to wait and see. I have to say it sounded pretty good. Not sure I believed it - but I didn't tear up. Progress? Gotta go for now - good night all!
Good night

Monday, March 15, 2010

Moving forward and Retail Therapy

So it has been almost two weeks. Two weeks from the time I was told my little miracle was no longer viable. Two weeks from the procedure. What a strange time. My hormones are totally whacked. Though I think that may be settling down; I didn't cry at all on Friday, Saturday or Sunday! My emotions have been on tilt-a-whirl and I don't like carnival rides. If I get tired, I cant hold it in. Poor Husband; what a trooper he has been!

This past weekend we attended a formal dinner at a friends house. Attire: Cocktail (the objective is to wear a dress you bought for another event) Problem: Although many of my friends do, I don't belong to things that require you to attend "events." So basically, I had squat to wear. Wednesday night, I decided I had to buckle down and decide what I am wearing. The verdict? Well...I am either too fat to wear what I have (ie: the LBD that I wore 20 pounds ago that I got zipped up but looks like I need to lose 20 pounds to wear), I already wore what I have(ie: a pretty pants outfit that I am fairly sure I wore to last years party), or I hated what I have (anything sleeveless, including aforementioned pants outfit- my arms suck right now). Suspecting this was going to be the case, I had asked my sister if she had anything fun in her closet for me to wear, so my mom dropped off some things for me. She is 8 years younger, probably 15 pounds lighter, and is not as chesty as I am. What was I thinking? The 3 options she sent over were soooooo cute on the hanger. On me...not so much. UGH! they emphasized my boobs in a Dolly Parton kind of way, and made me look frumpy. My sister looks freakin' awesome in these I am sure. Don't forget those hormones are still flowing fast and furious. I was upset about my pooch and my body in general and Husband, dear sweet Husband, says, "But honey you were pregnant only a week ago. Take it easy on yourself." Cue floodgates. What a mess. Poor guy!

So I woke up with puffy, dry eyes, a headache, and in a serious mood on Thursday. I decided that retail therapy was the only thing going to cure this ailment. I went to the mall over lunch, found the cutest dress at Boston Store. 30% off, hooray! The Goodwill sale is going on too; donate an item get a coupon for 20 % off an item, even better! I cleaned out 2 dressers over the weekend! I have Goodwill stuff at home, might as well get money off for it! I asked them to hold my pretty new dress and went back Friday at lunch to pick it up with a bag of donations. As soon as I decided to buy that dress, I felt better. I felt like I could go and be pretty, and happy and have a good time, and we did. Retail therapy works, I highly recommend it!

The party was awesome. Great food, good friends, good conversation, a bottle of wine for me. Oh my, yes, you read that right, a whole bottle of white zin. (For those of you that don't know me socially, I'm usually only good for a glass or two) Got home late, now daylight savings time is kicking my ass. But I really am starting to feel better in general. I had a quiet moment at the party when the preggo girl was talking about labor and delivery, and on and on (don't think she was aware of our situation). Then I held my friends little girl in church - so much fun. Played with my son over the weekend, so much fun. Planning our move, packing boxes slowly - still fun and exciting. Gave up on eating healthy for now- cause I just don't wanna - way more fun! (I know this won't help the above fat problem but one thing at a time!) Oh yeah, J needed new shoes yesterday. He put a hole through the toe of his current tennis shoes. So we went to Famous Footwear and they were having a buy 1 get 1 1/2 off sale. So more therapy: I got him his shoes then found $50 tennis shoes for me that were on sale for $19.99 and then got them for 1/2 off. Yes I got new tennis shoes for $10!!!!! SUPER FUN! Sigh, I am in a really happy place now!

Sorry this post is so disjointed, my thoughts are still kinda that way. I'm done spending money on me right now. Shoes and a new dress and a new house and medical bills up the wazoo I am sure. Gotta watch the bottom line (and my bottom!) :) Have a great day!

Saturday, March 6, 2010

No baby, but hope

Hello lovely friends. I do have lovely friends. You all took time called, texted and emailed (some even sent flowers and chocolate!) your thoughts, tears, love and support. Losing this baby has been strange. I was devastated on Tuesday when she told me. We spent the rest of the day, holding each other, crying, and just being together. BFF E (I have about 3 BFF's) picked up J at school and kept him till about 7:30. By then we were able to compose ourselves and go out for a bit. Husband asked for beers, I didn't care as long as he promised it was not a backslide. Got some snuggling in with J, tucked him into bed, came out on the couch and cried my eyes out. Why? It's not fair. 3 years of trying, then no trying and then blessing us then this? Really? Not fair. Exhausted. Went to bed.

Awoke on Wednesday (D&C day) feeling.....calm and I found that strange. Had to eat before 6:45 so was up at 6 to eat some food and have some alone time. Woke up J and took him to school. Came home, curled up on the couch and watched a bunch of our DVR'd shows until my mom came to pick us up to go to the surgery center. I felt kind of peaceful. Kind of accepting. Not overly sad. Strange. Our pastor called (bff E's Dad) he said beautiful words, he made me cry. It felt good to cry.

At surgery center they were gentle with my feelings, and again, I love my Dr. She stopped by my prep room in her street cloths and chatted with us a bit. About the baby, about what comes next, about everyday life things. Then she went to change and scrub in and I went to the bathroom one more time. The anesthesiologist took me and walked me to the room and I climbed up on the cold table. They hooked me up to the monitors, put lovely warm blankets on me and put a mask on my face to make me sleep. My Dr came and held my hand as I fell asleep. I awoke with a start in recovery and wasn't groggy at all. The finality of it all hit hard and I cried with the nurse for a bit (her daughter has been struggling for 2 years to conceive). Then I just wanted to go home. The discharge area is nice. You sit in a recliner and sip juice until you have to go to the bathroom (then you can go home). Your family can be there with you and hold your hand. I felt fine other than a bit shaky from the anesthesia and really crampy from the procedure. Once I was discharged, we headed to the new house and dropped Husband off for the home inspection and off to Walgreens for meds (I think I love Darvacet), Caribou for decadent hot chocolate, then to school to pick up J. Home for some serious couch time. Strange feelings. Empty, sad, hopeful, excited about new house, snuggling with my boy, hanging out with my mom. Meds to help me sleep. Wonderful, resting, dreamless sleep.

Stayed home on Thursday because I couldn't drive or be left alone until 24 hours after the procedure. Used it as a good mental health day. My spirits felt strangely good - is that bad or good, not sure. Watched more tv, slept, ate whatever I wanted (spring oreos and milk....lots), talked about the new house and trying again for a baby, getting back on the healthy wagon on Monday. Husband promised sushi this weekend and wine if I wanted it. I am going to eat whatever I want until Sunday regardless of calories or goodness for me.

Friday we took a deep breath and went back to work. I recalled that I had a tiny opal necklace and put it on (opal is the October birthstone). A small symbol of my loss, a small comfort to wear. A few people at work knew and were gentle with us. We are not sure what was said to those who were not aware, but it was back to work as usual. 2.5 days gone and my desk was swamped. Good. It kept me moving and working. One small moment at work out of nowhere but then not too bad. Home to snuggle and just be.

Today, Saturday, dawned sunny and bright with a hint of spring in the air. No time for moping, J has dance class, zoo class, a birthday party at an inflatable play place and dinner and cake back at our friends house. This day dawned with hope and healing. I feel peaceful and stronger. I am anxious to wait my 2 cycles so we can try again, although frightened to go through this again. In the meantime, we will move to our new home, we will move our corporate offices at work the following week (are we crazy? possibly), I have recital to prepare my students for, and we have J. Sweet, lovable, huggable J. He knows nothing but senses something. He has been extra loving and snuggly and I am soaking it up.

Tomorrow, we will venture to church. To be closer to God, to accept the love and support of the community that is behind us. Thinking about it just now, tears spring to my eyes. It will be hard, but it will be good. Thank you again for the support friends, it means the world to us both.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Numb and sad...

Today I went back to the OBGYN. She bounced into the room, asking how great was last weeks ultrasound and do I feel preggo now? I laughed and said I am starting to feel more so. I scooted to the end of the table, and she got down to "wandy" ultrasound business.

Then her face changed. She moved the wand all around. She quietly said "oh no." The baby stopped developing some time last week. Shocking? Um yes. And no. Last week when she moved my due date, I will admit I got a little nervous. But we had seen the heartbeat and that looked so good. I started to believe it, to trust it. We told a few more people. Then this morning I got nervous. I can't tell you why. I im'd Husband before I left (he is in a huge development cycle at work and was out sick two days last week - we didn't think he needed to come....sigh). I told him I was nervous and he wisely said, stop that - if you do this the whole time it will be a long haul. He was right so off I went. So when her face changed....I actually wasn't surprised. It took a few minutes and then it started to hit me for real. This baby that we waited for sooooo long for, this miracle - wasn't actually to be. The Dr was very upset - more than me at first. She said I could wait for it to pass on my own but it could be awhile yet, or I could have a D&C. I opted for the D&C tomorrow afternoon. It's her day off but she got a sitter for her kids and will do the procedure herself. She is so special.

My mom is coming to drive us, Husband will be there and I have the thoughts and tears of many others supporting us. This is hard. I feel strange. I am fine one minute then sobbing the next. I am already ready to try again as I have true hope now. Yet I am so sad that this one will never be. What a roller coaster 2010 is turning out to be. We put in an offer on a house this weekend and it was accepted. now this. Strange. I will write more about all that later. Needed to process a bit. This blog helps - sorry if its disjointed. Tears and kisses. I love you all.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

A "positive" 2010

Well hello there! We have some catching up to do! This blog will be a doozey! As you probably realized, I took a pause from blogging for a bit as there was some news that I needed to tell a few people about in person (didn't want them reading here first).


Remember in the last post I was feeling kind of hopeless? Well my cycle didn't show by Sunday, January 31st and I was sooo crampy. So I quietly took a test in the morning and it turned positive - even before I flipped the stick over! Talk about surprised. I started shaking. Really? Me? For Real? (TMI alert) Then when I wiped, bright red blood. Oh no!!!!! Not alot just a swipe full. That was it - nothing else. So I got J some breakfast and then while he was eating took the stick into the bedroom, woke up husband and just held it out to him. It took a bit to register. Then he was happy, cautious though. I was nervous from the blood, and was just careful with myself that day. Figured that if it didn't work out, it was soon, no one knew but us, and wow I had actually gotten preggo with no assistance. Holy Cow! All seemed fine from then on. Took me almost a week to post it on a support board.

Now I have to take moment and say I love my Ob/Gyn. Seriously. I love her. She worked tirelessly with us for almost 2 years, checking me out, getting my cycle to regulate, teaching us the process, testing husband, working with those results. She worked with what we could do financially and emotionally. She was diligent, and honest and most of all patient. She was sad to see me each month for my ultrasound so I could get more Clomid. Not to "see" me but to see that it had not worked again. She waited until I made a statement indicating I was ready to do surgery before she talked about it, then did all she could in one fell swoop to answer as many questions about my fertility as possible. I healed and thought that based on the results (all positive for me), we needed to move on to an RE, just for an opinion. She recommended one, and we went to see him. I haven't seen her since the beginning of Oct. We only went to the RE (Dr Arrogant) for a consult, got frustrated with his comments and frightened by his price list and then took a holiday break.

Here is where the "I love my Dr" statement comes in. She called me at work today! She was looking ahead at her calender and saw me down for a pre-natal visit. She took the time out of her day to call me and tell me how excited she was. She actually "eeek'ed" several times on the phone! She asked if we had help. I said no, so she asked how. I said I think just healthy living and honestly nothing else. Nothing else after 3 years of trying, 12 rounds of Clomid, 1 failied IUI. She eek'ed again and asked how I was doing. Told me that if I needed or wanted to be seen before my appt on Feb 23 just to call. WOW!

We didn't say anything to anyone until Feb 10th, then I told my parents and my sister, and Husband told his sister, brother and mother. Everyone is sooooo happy for us. Then on the 12th a touch more blood (more TMI -sorry) after straining with a bowel movement, streaky and gooey yet still red. Had a total breakdown that evening. I mean, we have waited so long, this baby is already so loved, I just wanted it to be alright. I wanted to know it was in the right place and developing as it should. Took it easy for the weekend and because I sometimes bleed after lovemaking anyway, we've been abstaining. Poor Husband - but he understands and has been great.

This past weekend, I had an awesome girls weekend away with my 2 besties. We went to Schaumburg, Il for a hotel overnight, no kids, no hubbies. Shopping, eating, laziness, giggles, and plain old fun. Introduced them to IKEA - they were virgins! When E hopped in the van with a huge bottle of champagne, I simple looked at them and said, "You two will have to drink that on your own". Long pause as it registered and they were both so surprised and happy for us. Lots of baby talk over the weekend. Very fun. Came home and said you know what Husband, I missed you, lets give it a whirl. Just a small streak of red after, but it was worth it!!!! :)

I had my initial appointment with my OBGYN yesterday and actually got to see the little one. It measured smaller than what I thought. I thought I was 7 weeks she measured it at 6, but said that can happen with goofy ovulation. That fits my profile and cause I wasn't tracking, I have NO idea. There wasn't much to see, just a little blob with a flicker in the middle. Oh that beautiful flicker! Then she said to come back next week and we can see again. I cant wait for Tuesday! I need to go now. I will post more later. More changes are coming as our family grows.

Friday, January 29, 2010

A new year....and time to write.

I haven't fallen off the face of the planet. Really I haven't. Just been very busy at work and at home, which is a good thing cause we were on a break and it mostly kept the baby hoping at bay. Now as I approach what I am certain is my cycle arriving this weekend, I feel like mentally things are ramping up a bit. I feel disappointment and there is no news, I feel failure though I haven't "officially" failed, no sign of AF. What the hell is my problem today?

I got through the holidays pretty well. Dealt with getting my period full force on my son's 5th birthday. Sad for so many reasons, OK, not sad: a bit melancholy. My little baby is 5. He used to fit on my chest in tree frog snuggle and now we can barely both snuggle in the rocking chair - he is a tall boy! So many milestones that day. 5 years ago we had him. 3 years ago I felt it was time to start trying again. 2 years ago we started getting help, 1 year ago I started losing hope. This year.....I have no idea. J was student of the week after his birthday and they have to fill out a poster all about them. One section is about wishes. His first wish: a baby brother or sister. UGH!!!! He is so sweet with the babies in his life, he would be the best big brother.

So this is the year of change for the Motley crew. Around my birthday, we had a come to Jesus conversation at our house and Husbands alcohol consumption has been reduced to very special occasions only. He is doing really well. Wow what an improvement in our family life. We are having fun. We are having more sex, nice benefit for both of us. And, I think here is where the hope creeps back in, maybe there will be improved semen health. We have yet to schedule the SA, I'm kind of waiting now for about 3 months of healthier living.

As part of this healthier living (Husband needs to lower cholesterol and I need to lose some weight, OK....a LOT of weight) as a family (the grownups that is - then J by default) we are really watching what we are eating. We found a website that will help us figure out how many calories a day we should have, easily tracks calories, fats, sugars, fitness, etc... , has iPhone and Blackberry apps for on the go entering, and you can friend people and be each others support system. Very cool. In almost 4 weeks Husband is 1 lb away from his goal. I hate that guys can lose so easily by just cutting out chips and soda/beer. UGH! I have done well and not so well all at the same time. As of Tuesday, which was about 3 weeks, I was down 7 lbs, then Wednesday I was up 3 from that, what the hell? OK maybe its cause I eat dinner so late on Tuesday. Then Thursday was not much better, pounded water all day - so thirsty, now back down 1. So probably only lost 5.5 on average. I know its still a good trend. I know I shouldn't weigh everyday, but I need the accountability. I hate eating good. I hate having to think about it. I hate trying to balance it all out. I am frustrated today. Maybe I'm up cause of my impending cycle. I'm kinda hoping so... today I just really want a candy bar, and fast food, and to be cozy and warm. (its like 4 degrees out before windchill today - brrrrrrrr) I feel like chucking it all and saying what the hell. Hmmm thats like the 4th time I've said that.....

Well, I should get back to work. I will try to write again next week. Have a great weekend everyone! (Can you believe Feb is on Monday????? YIKES!)