Thursday, December 17, 2009

I'm better - thank you for asking

I thought I would let you all know that I'm having a much better week than last week. That shouldn't be too hard to do, right?

Thoughts....the mom who complained about my class praised me up and down to my boss (huh?), and she claims she really appreciates my contributions. I have been gone too much from my family so I have put the kibosh on lots of extra running around and even skipped the gym this week for minimal disruptions. My friends: well they are sooo wonderful, and understanding. Money....just keep plugging away, enough said. We like our apartment, the location, and our neighbors, its just too small for all our stuff so take a deep breath and start small right? At least my tree is up, the boxes aren't put away, but tree is up. Small victories.

Thoughts on a baby...we are on a break so I'm not really tracking. Did not write down day 1 of cycle, pretty sure based on physical feelings that I am ovulating right now. I think that is early, but as I didn't write down day 1, I am not sure....sigh. So we have some pre-holiday fun and we shall see. I think I am resigning myself to just one beautiful, blonde haired, blue eyed baby boy for us (who is going to be 5 in 2 weeks!!!). There is a little hope left and it will be spent on some semen analysis for Husband. Maybe even over the! We shall see.

Whatever the case may be, please everyone have a happy and safe holiday season. Hug the children in your lives and revel in the wonder and excitement that they exude. I think it may be therapeutic (if you can let it be).

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

The "almost" optimist

Hello friends, I haven't forgotten about you, life has been a bit of a roller coaster lately. Busy, fun, and full. We had a great Thanksgiving but J started having fevers at night the day before that lasted all the way into the next week. Thank goodness for grape flavored children's Tylenol!

This weekend was a whirlwind of activities and emotions. Friday night, dinner with my sister and some old friends, went home for a total emotional breakdown (more in a minute). Sat, J had tap class, we went to storage to pick up holiday decorations, husband and I had bowling league, and then we surprised J by coming home and taking him to the Canadian Pacific Holiday Train stop in my parents town. Oh the joy on that little boys face! Soooo worth the cold (29 degrees) and late night. Sunday, Church and Sunday school - due to a mis-schedule the service was almost 2 hours!!! Lord. I was late to meet my sister to work out and discuss presents for our parents, which made me late to meet my mom to shop for my sister for xmas (we had kick a$$ coupons that were going to expire this week) which made in turn made me late to get home and do decorations with my family. I'm in the doghouse with husband and have no idea how to have made the weekend work out better for J (I didn't get to spend much time with him). I thought squeezing in the shopping with mom would save me another night gone this week - I was already out so just knock it out of the park, right? Wrong. Whatever-I suck apparently.

So on to the emotional breakdown from Friday (which is probably spilling into the Sunday "I suck" statement.) I had dinner with my sister and my boss from the dance studio and her daughter. We are all friends outside of dance and have made an effort to get together a few times a year. Anyway - it started out with my boss asking me a dance question. Kind of questioning my teaching ability for a student and a parent that is upset. Now she is fully aware of my abilities, and how far she is pushing my limits with this certain class. It just took me to an insecure place. Then I called and Husband thought I had told J I would be home for bedtime (it was after) I don't think I did but no matter, I was "late." So now I am not only an "ok" dance teacher, I am late to go home to my son. Greeaatt now even more insecure, aaaaand the floodgates opened.....

I am usually an optimist - seriously, I can easily and always give the benefit of the doubt to just about anyone and any situation. I rarely think someone is being malicious on purpose, however on Friday I realized that I am "almost" in my whole life. I can only almost do things, all things...I can almost have a clean and organized home, I can almost afford to buy a house, I can almost have time to spend with my son, I can almost have a baby, I can almost be a good wife, I can almost be a good friend, I can almost be a good teacher. But nothing I do is actually 100%. Not even close.

My home is dirty and messy and there are only hints of organization here and there. The laundry is never totally done. We can't afford to buy a house and have child care at the same time so we are stuck in an apartment. I am so busy with 2 jobs and trying to squeeze in time with my friends that I am often not home to spend time with J. I can't have a baby despite the Dr's finding no reason in me not to. Despite having a very large network of close friends, I just am not good at being a friend and when I find time to spend with them, I am not a good wife as I leave my husband at home with our son and only think about myself. I don't have the time or money to take classes outside of what I teach so am only an ok teacher. I am almost at the end of my rope.

I know my thoughts are everywhere - sorry about that. I don't have any wise quips to wrap this up. I don't have any good resolution. I am, just me, and I don't know how else to be.

Monday, November 16, 2009


Had the strangest feeling come over me yesterday. And it was weird.

First, let me say that we had a great weekend. We helped my mom with some things at her house on Saturday (because my dad is out of the country on business for the 3rd week in a row), took J to TrainFest for 5 hours on Sunday, and just enjoyed ourselves in general.

So on to the weird. I hadn't really thought about infertility or babies or anything close to that all weekend; well, at least not obsessively. I found out a close family friend is expecting and it was tough but whatever, life happens, people (especially young newlywed people) are going to get pregnant right? I did notice an abundance of strollers and new babies at TrainFest, but that's a good family activity so, whatever. No biggie. Well...I was folding some laundry last night and as I put my jeans away in the closet, out of nowhere, I had the thought, a statement actually, flash into my mind. "This is not going to happen for us." It was calm, and I stayed calm. It didn't send me into a tailspin, just made me quiet. I have been praying for guidance and knowledge. Is this it? Is this the answer? "Its not going to happen for us."

When he realized I was so quiet, Husband asked whats up and I told him about it. He was sooooo confused. He looked at me like I was on drugs and said, "Based on what? Where is this coming from?" I couldn't tell him as I had no idea. It wasn't like my dark place where I go when I'm feeling negative, which is what I think he thought was happening. It just was a statement that came to me out of nowhere.

Today, I just feel... weird. I can't explain it, I am not even sure how to process it. Maybe I should find one of those babies in my life, borrow a snuggle and see if they have any suggestions. Sigh.......

Thursday, October 22, 2009

The plan

Well in my last post I said I had made a decision without discussing with Husband. We finally had a moment to sit down and process together. He did tell me he can't deal when I shut down like I did after the RE appt so that's why it took so long to sit down together. I told him I shut down because he doesn't always share thoughts and feelings with me and I was protecting myself, and us (and the bank accounts)....Its a process. Never the less, we proceeded to have a great conversation.

My plan holds, no drugs, no real charting, and I'm now leaning towards not even testing for ovulation....we'll see next week. Plan for Husband and moving forward; get the bills from the surgery, figure out a plan to pay for all that (and Xmas and J's bday). Then Husband will do the SA's the RE recommended, and most likely visit with the new urologist to see what he has to say. Then we will cautiously see what is covered and not covered by insurance....and move forward. I think we will save up and try one more IUI with the new RE once the urologist has given recommendations.

This new mental place feels kinda mental, I still want another baby soooo much, I just feel calmer about it, for now. Headed out of town to visit Husbands 96 yr old grandmother, taking my mother in-law along - going to be a looonng weekend.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Some updates and a break

So Dr Arrogant himself called me the day after our appointment. Knock me over with a feather. I was eating lunch last Friday, my cell rang and it was him! He was reading my 6 page questionnaire and had a few more questions and recommendations for us. He thought due to family history of female cancers, I should get a mammogram early. He also recommended genetic testing because some of the learning disability history in my family could carry a factor for Fragile X syndrome. I thanked him for calling and told him the SA results from the other urologist should be there soon and he said he would keep an eye out for them. Very interesting.

AF showed up Sunday night - right on time! My OB was right, the D&C changed

WARNING - TMI to follow: went from thick, dark, and clotty to red and thin, like a bloody nose that won't stop. Bled through big time overnight. Woke up having to scrub out undies and pj bottoms, yuk. Then spent yesterday changing a super tampon and a regular pad every 2.5 hours. Thankfully this seems to be slowing down today.

OK I'm done with yukky sharing, sorry, it's just a big change. So...upon the arrival of AF, I had a decision to make; take the Clomid the OB gave me (that I stupidly picked up and paid for before our RE appt) or follow the RE's advice and do nothing because "nothing is wrong with me". Without having discussed with Husband, I think that I'm going to just do nothing as far as meds, I may do the OPK to monitor my O day just so we know...but we are headed into the holiday season, I don't think I want this hanging over my head during the holidays any more than it is. We will gather the bills from my surgery, figure out how to pay for that, Christmas, and J's 5th birthday. We will try to just be with the expectation that I probably won't get pregnant and then we can deal in the New Year...or we can stop.....

As of late, I have been digging through our cluttered apartment and have made a discovery....we need more space. There just isn't a home for everything. But I am making a good attempt - we all are. The apartment is starting to feel more organized and tidy. My brain is starting to feel more relaxed and less overwhelmed.

We will see where this all goes. These are just my thoughts for today. We will see what they are tomorrow.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Dr Arrogant

So. Forgive me if this post doesn't make sense, I'm really still processing it all.

Yesterday, Husband and I left work at 1:45 for our 1st RE appt at 2pm. We were told it would be about 40-50 minutes - so that puts us back at work around 3pm right? Cool - Just take it as a late lunch and we are good to go. Wrong! We arrived with plenty of time, checked in, was given loads more paperwork to look over and a very intimidating price guide (YIKES!!!!). I asked if he was running on time and they said yes.... At 2:25 we still had not been taken in so I asked again, and they said we were next. The nurse finally called us in, she took my vitals and weight (yuk - I have got to lay off the chocolate) and then a student Dr came in and apologized for the delay (something about a complicated ultrasound) to go over our history. She verbally asked us all the questions that I had filled out in that damn 6 page packet. Can they not f-ing read? I would have been happy to mail it over early or to fax it to save time. Ugh! Finally just after 3p, Dr came in also apologizing for delay and we got down to business. My OBGYN had warned me that he was an arrogant bastard and that I wouldn't like him - she was right. So I will call him Dr Arrogant.
  1. Dr Arrogant reviewed my records and then proceeded to bash all her methods and pretty much told me everything she did was incorrect.
  2. Dr Arrogant said anything over a 2 for progesterone levels on day 21 was ovulation and that there was no difference in ovulation quality. Dr Arrogant doesnt do day 21 Progesterone blood work because it shows nothing. (OK- a friend of mine who worked with the other fertility clinic in town said her doc said the same as my OBGYN anything lower than a 6 wasn't optimal and she did day 21 draws.)
  3. Dr Arrogant said she should only have done 6 cycles of the clomid not 12. But I didn't really even need that now did I? Because as he had proven, I was ovulating.
  4. Dr Arrogant said her charting for my ultrasounds and surgery was irregular periods and pain. He would have charted it as irregular bleeding. So he thinks she was stretching. Though it did rule out endometriosis and proved that my tubes were open.
  5. Dr Arrogant is going to send a letter to my Dr to educate her on what she did wrong with my case. That really offended me - she did what I asked her to do and I told him that. We were trying to be fiscally responsible, she was assisting and he's going to write her a letter? Great, now I'm in the middle of a pissing war between my doc's. Especially cause he mentioned it several times during the appt. I hope she's expecting that....ugh!
  6. Dr Arrogant then asked about my husbands semen analysis (SA) reports and I said the urologist should have sent them over (side note: On the 30th, I specifically asked for the records to be transferred for the appt on the 8th - they weren't there. When I called this am, the 9th, the girl says oh I'm sorry do you want me to send them now? Yes you f'ing little b-tch and can you pay for the appt we wasted too?) Dr Arrogant said well they are not here are they? So we really can't discuss anything other than hypothetical. He also told me to go pick them up personally. What a f-ing waste! If I had time to do that in the first place I would have.
  7. Dr Arrogant wants to do new SA and depending on those results, which I expect to be poor, do another. Depending on those results, which I again expect to be poor, we should see his urologist. I asked what the difference was between ours and his and without asking who we saw, said that only 2 Dr's in Milwaukee specialized in reproductive urology. I asked a specific question about where the other Dr practices and guess what? That's the doc we saw last year! But his guy is better and more versed so we should go to him. Of course!
  8. In an attempt to figure out how much this all may cost us and what insurance may cover, I asked about how the clinic did the billing. Do they label it all the codes for infertility, or is some of the testing covered etc...just trying to understand. Because I know that my insurance will not cover anything that is labeled infertility. Dr Arrogant proceeded to go into a speech about how some Dr's will fudge the codes so it is paid for but that's cheating everyone. He pretty much said that all his stuff is labeled infertility treatment. He also mentioned that the ultrasounds my Dr gave me every month was a waste of $ and if he was an insurance claims person he would take one look at my chart and know that we were trying to have a baby and deny it all.
  9. Dr Arrogant will do insemination after all the SA's are done and I think would be willing to try another fertility drug (Femera). It would cost $800-$1300. Sigh.
  10. He did give us a follow up sheet with his recommendations from the appt to take home....I was so disappointed and discouraged that I haven't even looked at it.

We left there at 3:50 and walked back into work at 4pm. Thank goodness our bosses are aware of our situation and are very flexible - it still made me nervous. We were an hour later than expected.

I immediately went into bitter shut down mode. We cant afford any of this. We haven't gotten all the billing for my surgery and I expect our portion to be about $1500-$2000. Not alot in the grand scheme of things but that will suck up alot of our savings. Leaving us with none to pay the RE clinic with. And as you all know, you have to pay for those services up front. So lets just save our $, stop looking for a 3 bedroom house and just get a 2 bedroom one - that will save even more $. I will plan a huge rummage sale in May and we can make some $ and stop paying for storing all that baby crap - whoo-hoo more $! Then we can get off this f-ing roller coaster. (I do seem to like the F word today - sorry. It has good enunciation and feels good in my frustration)

Several dear friends and even my husband told me to take some time and rationally process this. It is possible I am PMS'ing as well - today is cycle day 29. A very wise friend stopped me from going down the "I've wasted so much $ and time on this and all for what" road. She said whats done is done and you can only move forward. She is also a nurse and said that while she wishes he wasn't so rude, Dr Arrogant is an expert and he is best qualified to assist us in our path to a second child. Or the poor house, you pick. Oh, wait, that's right we are already there.

OK I have gone to the dark side and need to stop now. I know E is right in her assessment of all of it. My other friends are too. I love you all - thank you for your endless patience with me.

Monday, October 5, 2009

All Clear

So surgery went well (results in next paragraph) and I was a total slug during my recovery time. The 1st three days, Husband was awesome, setting a timer and not letting me go more than 4 hours without pain meds. Slept ALOT. The rest of the time I spent doing, well, not much . Almost no computer time - not even Facebook, lots of bad TV, finished the 7th Harry Potter book, and had a few small outings. But for a very busy non-stop kind of girl, I think it did me some good! Twelve days later I was feeling great (our apartment had gotten a bit confining) and went back to work, four business days sooner than anticipated; albeit wearing running pants instead of dress slacks. Did you know that sitting up at a desk is really hard work? The 1st day back I felt as if I had been doing crunches all day. The 2nd day that feeling didn't hit until about 3pm, the 3rd day it didn't hit until quitting time and Friday I was fine. J was so excited when I was able to pick him up again! Two weeks is a long time for a 4 yr old. Husband was thankful that Dr gave all clear for bedroom activities Thursday before he left for his business trip on Friday. He doesn't come home until very late Tuesday night. He is a very patient man, two weeks is long time for a healthy male adult and the prospect of an additional 5 days seemed enormous - even for me! :)

Surgery results were very positive for me. She found NOTHING wrong. No endometriosis or scar tissue, no blockage of the tubes, and the D&C pathology showed nothing. She told my husband I was as beautiful on the inside as I was on the outside. Love her! LOL! So we have ruled out just about every issue on my side, with the exception of not ovulating properly without meds. Now we know that the problem really lies with Husbands swimmers. At least its a few less strikes against us.

I have to say that I was rather amazed at myself going into the surgery. I thought I would wake up on surgery day all nervous and worried about potential results. I woke up and was calm and organized in my thoughts etc...I didn't even get nervous as I walked into the operating room. Just ready to know whatever the results would be. Now of course the outcome is so much better than I had hoped for, but I believe that I was in a place of acceptance and no matter what happened I would have been OK.

In the meantime, I set up an appointment at a very good fertility clinic 2 blocks from our office to meet with a Reproductive Endocrinologist for his opinion. If he recommends IVF as our only bet, we will politely thank him for his time and leave. That is not even close to an option for us financially and I'm not sure I'm up for the stress of it all. But we shall see - maybe he will allow us to do IUI with a trigger shot to narrow the window. Fertility clinics are also open on weekends when I seem to be ovulating (hence not trying another with my Dr all summer long!) so we will probably do a cycle or two more if the IUI before giving up.

All clear on so many fronts. It feels good, and hopeful and calm. Thanks for all your thoughts and support.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Surgery tomorrow

Well, from title post you will correctly guess that there will be no baby arriving around our anniversary in May. :( I am going in for surgery tomorrow morning at 11am. Surgery details can be found in earlier post.

Strangely, I am not nervous. Yet. Tomorrow am might be a better time to ask that question. I really am hopeful that we will get the answers we are looking for - good or bad - so we can make educated decisions and move forward.

I am praying hard that all she is going to do in there will allow us a renewed shot at having another child. I am frightened that she will tell me something bad, that I will have to face the knowledge that there wont be any more cute, blond-haired, blue-eyed Motley babies in the world. On the plus side of that, I could have a humongous rummage sale in the spring and unload a whole storage unit worth of baby stuff.

I am sure I will post after - several days of no driving will probably make me go crazy looking for stuff to do!!!! Prayers are appreciated!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Update/too much to hope for?

Well, I've been avoiding writing for awhile - wasn't sure what to say. Scared to think some stuff and out of town for 4 days over the holiday. But I should probably update you on whats been going down so here goes.

Husband was still real unsettled (which in turn had me real unsettled) about the potential surgery so I set up a consultation appointment with my Dr so that he could go too. God I love her! She explained everything she was going to do and why in detail (w/animated actions to go along with it) and he felt much better. We decided that we would do the surgery to take that "What if" question off the board. We are never going to go as far as IVF so now if we don't end up with any more babies, I will know that we investigated every angle. And now husband and I are on the same page and that feels better! Way better!

We also set up an appointment for a few weeks after surgery with an actual Fertility clinic that is about 2 blocks from where we work. We shall see what they say. If they say IVF is our only option - we will be done. Not sure what to do with that - but expecting Dr said the fertility Dr was very good. An arrogant bastard, but very good. Glad she warned me! Maybe now I won't cry. Who am I kidding?

Now on to what I'm afraid to write about. I have had slightly sore breasts since last Thursday, increasing in tenderness as the days go by. I'm not due to get AF until Sunday. That's a long time isn't it? This morning my shirt seemed to be harsh on my nipples as I headed to the bathroom. Could I be? Is my body just playing tricks on me? Dare I hope? Is it too much to hope for? SOooooo tempted to test. Trying to wait until at least Saturday. Praying for a positive - due date would be my anniversary! Yes I checked...totally lame right?

Sigh - so long for now.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Breakdown - a side effect with a good result?

So other than some hot flashes with Clomid when I first started, and some doozy headaches the last 2 months, I haven't really noticed any real major side effects of taking it. Until possibly yesterday. I had a total breakdown - poor husband - didn't know what hit him! Major mood swings have arrived I think.....greeaat.

My husband and I are not confrontationalists and sometimes we do a real good job of avoiding a topic. I have been wanting him to talk about the possibility of my having surgery, he has simply said do what you think you need to do. Arrrrgh! Sooo last night, I came home and was internally agitated - wasn't sure what my problem was but I felt restless and unsettled. The neighbor asked if J could come play at his house, so we were alone for like 2 minutes and I jumped all over him for something and he pushed back and the floodgates opened! YIKES! My little push was so not about that. I finally told him that I want to know how he feels about all this - honestly. He told me he thinks having another baby is becoming my primary focus and he worries that it is escalating. I told him that I wasn't sure what to do, I wanted another baby and based on my chemistry, the only way for that to happen is to take meds, track our love life, do my day 21 blood work, and when I get my period, see the Dr so she can re prescribe meds and start all over again. If I stop all that - it will be like going back on birth control, no possibility of a baby, not even by accident. He got teary and said he would love nothing more than to have another child but he also knows that he can accept only having 1 easier than I can. So after lots of talking and crying on both our parts (much needed I think), we decided that if I am not pregnant, I will have the surgery, see what they say and we will have to have more conversations like this after we know more. I thought all was well. We had both stopped snuffling and it felt complete.

Then he said "Now, what are we going to do for dinner?" I didn't have a plan (or many options in the pantry) so naturally I burst into tears again. Whoa! Not just tears, sobbing. Over dinner and not having options? Seriously?!? OK ...calm down take a breath and move on. Wow!

The rest of the night was OK - he had some work to do and I made dinner, gave the boy a bath and put him to bed. This morning I feel like I've been hit with a ton of bricks, and I even went to bed early. So now what? Today I feel calm so far, but we shall see what the rest of the day brings. This journey is a roller coaster - have I mentioned I don't like roller coasters?

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

A decision, I think

So I met with my Dr and discussed all my fears. She didn't really address the menopause question, she wrote it all down and I think chalked it up to Clomid hormones, but we did talk about exploratory surgery. YIKES! She was ready to do it next week, but I cannot get my life in order to be off work for 2 weeks, and not driving for 1, in the space of a few days. So here is the decision, I think.

I am taking Clomid again this month, if ovulation days fall on a Friday or Monday, we will have an IUI done. This is unlikely as I think we are looking at a Saturday, which excludes us from IUI - again. If I don't get pregnant, I will have surgery on Sept 18. Those of you that know me know that I am a planner! I won't actually know if I'm having surgery until the beginning of that week - when I find out if I am pregnant or not. AARRGGGHHH. The unknown is frightening. Will it hurt? Yes. How Much? Not sure. Seriously out of work for at least 2 weeks?.....oh dear. Will I get the answers I'm looking for? Unknown, but I hope so.

What is she going to do exactly? That I do know! She is going to laparoscopically (sp?) look in my belly for endometriosis(major maternal history), if she finds some, she will remove what she can. She is going to look inside my uterus, do a D&C to scrape any extra stuff out (hence not doing this if I get pregnant!), and finally push dye through my fallopian tubes to see if they are blocked.

If after all that, the answer is that I cannot have children - there will be immense sadness and then I pray that we/I can move on. If the answer is that I look great inside, then we have decisions to make (and I think husband will have to do another semen analysis). We may still be done, we may try a bit longer. I have heard that after the dye flushes through your tubes, you have excellent chances of getting pregnant. Miracles happen right?

Then there is the money issue. Well we have been budgeting and saving as of late, but not for this. We have a $500 deductible and then 20%. This is not bad - but it is not great for our bank account or the prospect of a house in the sprin... Another worry.

My husbands take on it; if you feel its important, then do it. (sigh - not really an answer) My mom; do it, history is so bad on her side of the family, she wants to know I am healthy and well. Whether it leads to a new baby or not. Me....I am with mom, until my brain kicks in and I start thinking about all of the above. Still processing I guess! Maybe I will get pregnant this month and I wont have to do it! Pray for that, I am.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Not surprised, just kind of disappointed.

So despite throwing caution to the wind, I am not pregnant. I'm not really surprised, I think that's why the sushi was soooo good - twice. I'm not even mind blowingly sad, just kind of tired and disappointed. I have an ultrasound appointment today to be checked for cysts so I can have another round of Clomid. I had to think hard to do my charting for her today - I think I kinda checked out last month- usually I'm very on top of it.

I'm gearing up to ask her two scary questions....1- should we do an exploratory surgery to see if I have an internal problem. 2- (and the most scary) does she think I'm starting menopause. I had tons of weird symptoms last month and then I googled some of them and the top response from Dr. Google was menopause...I'm terrified to hear what she may say. I know that I'm too far into this cycle to do the blood work for her to check on my egg reserve. What if I missed my window? Tough to process - though then I could have a huge-ass garage sale with all the baby stuff I had saved....

Lastly my husbands resolve to not drink so much has hit a slight detour - he is now back on track but he thinks that we should wait another month to try an IUI - so his sperm can be the best they can be.......AARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!! Frustrated! I asked him if he was sabotaging our efforts...he said no - he would be thrilled to have another baby but if its just our son that's OK too. Whatever.

I'm going to go get my Ultrasound, and ask my scary questions and process the responses. I will report back later.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Caution in the wind

Whew, we just got through a whirlwind 6 days of family and friends in town to celebrate my parents 60th birthdays. Between party prep and execution of said party and the extra events for the out of towners, I, of course, ovulated. I knew the timing would be bad but took the Clomid anyway in an effort to keep my cycle regular (and keep ovulating). We gave it a few good go's around the magic day and crossed our fingers. But with all the activities, I wasnt able to dwell on it too much.

I also threw caution to the wind...

I took the "its probably not going to work anyway" mentality and decided that it was party weekend and I needed a break. Instead of sipping one glass of wine, I had several - on several days. Instead of resisting my urge for fresh sushi, I caved - twice! OMG it was soooooo good! And sleep?...Whats that? I highly recommend being so busy you cannot think during the two week wait but that is a brutal schedule to carry. We did have a really good time though!

I now have just less than a week left to wait - sigh - and now that life is back to normal, my brain is clicking away. Did I do a bad thing by indulging my cravings? What if this is the month? I will be grateful if this is when it happens, but feel badly if I did something that would harm a sweet little person. Well, I guess I will just pray and try not to think about any of it too much.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

My frustration.

The following is a rundown/timeline of how things have gone for us.

09/98 met husband
07/99 husband diagnosed with testicular cancer, surgery
09/99 engaged in Paris!
05/02 married!!
07/03 off BC – not preventing not really trying
04/04 pregnant!
01/05 bouncing baby boy! Back on BC to prevent 2 babies in 1 calendar year! (It can happen, do the math!)
11/06 off BC to cleanse system
03/07 started tracking cycles casually
04/08 met with OB/GYN to discuss lack of pregnancy - ordered 3 months of blood work on day 21
07/08 husband met with Urologist specializing in reproductive stuff – low sperm count (typical after above surgery), low motility due to very low morphology. Husband quit smoking!!!! YEA!
08/08 not ovulating properly started Clomid
11/08 IUI – failed
12/08 & 1/09 took a break from it all
02/09 back on Clomid
05/09 scheduled IUI – poor timing (Memorial Day weekend – ugh)
06/09 scheduled IUI - poor timing (on vacation)
07/09 not even gonna bother scheduling IUI – poor timing!
08/09 scheduling IUI no matter what!!!!

Whew! That’s my story – it’s a long one. Maybe that’s why I’m so frustrated!
Today is cycle day 4, Dr cleared me of cysts and I start another round of Clomid tomorrow.

So I follow this blog fairly closely and was relating a ton to what the writer had to say (and then she got pregnant too!!! I'm beginning to think that I am the good luck charm for all others who are trying). Anyway, she wrote a blog on borrowing other peoples babies to cuddle. I had kind of been avoiding it - seriously there are new babies everywhere around me so its been kinda hard. But in the last 3 days I have cuddled and snuggled with 2 babies - ahhhh bliss. One was 6 weeks old and I held her all through church (pretty sure I didnt hear the sermon but I felt closer to God!) and the other is 6 months old - different stage but still fun to hold and whisper to and make smile.

Guess what? It wasn't painful. It might have helped. I felt calmer, I felt like a mommy again - just for a moment- I think I will stop avoiding and keep cuddling. Maybe it will be what pushes us over the line. Maybe this will be our cycle - despite it being a crazy month...Maybe.....

Monday, July 13, 2009

Not Pregnant....Again

So it’s Monday, July 13th and I find my self in a familiar situation. Not Pregnant....Again.

It seems timing has become a huge issue for us this summer. We paid off the last IUI and were ready to try again. In May the OPK stick turned pink on the Sunday of Memorial Day weekend. Yeah, well...the Dr's office was closed on Memorial Day, so missed opportunity. We gave it a really good run on our own but I am beginning to suspect that’s not enough.

So on to June, my OPK turned pink the morning we were headed out of town with my mother-in-law and 17 other family members from her side. (we had no idea if it would be stressful or not- it was not thankfully) So we did the deed in the morning, I laid there as long as I could with out making us seriously late for work, prayed a little, went to work and we left to go out of town for a 3 day weekend immediately after. Neither my husband nor I felt comfortable asking to leave for several hours just prior to a vacation day. (We work at the same small company so it’s very noticeable when we both leave) Close quarters at the cabin did not prove to be conducive to trying again! We did try once we got home - but let’s be honest - we missed our opportunity. Don’t know why I was surprised yesterday when I got my period....oh well.

On to this coming month - oh no it does not get better - I have done the math and figure that I will next ovulate the week between going out of town with my husbands immediate family (VERY close quarters - and occasionally stressful) and my extended family arriving for a week as a surprise for my dad. I am the party planner and activity person for their stay. I’m going to be exhausted, happy but exhausted, and we are not sure we should spend the $ on an IUI if it’s going to be such a crazy time. Here again I’m taking 3 1/2 days off for the party and he’s taking 2 1/2, we would have to essentially take another 1/2 day to have it. Is it worth it? Struggling with decisions. Watching our pennies. Want another baby. Ugh! Dr appt today for ultrasound check for cysts so she can re-prescribe Clomid. I guess we will give it a go ourselves that week and plan on IUI come hell or high water in September I guess.