Tuesday, May 6, 2014

What have I done?

Oh Friends, I did a horrible thing.  I have been carrying stress and exhaustion and frustration and disappointment around in my brain and my heart.   Lots of things. Nothing major, nothing small.  I'm just struggling a  bit.

So here goes, Husband and I were having a serious discussion last night that started when the boys were outside playing.  By the time they got in, we were frustrated with each other and not even close to being done.  I put Z in our room to watch TV and J in his to do homework.  And we continued to push each others buttons, not solving anthing.  Mind you, we rarely fight, argue etc....and we don't do it well/gracefully when we do.  So J innocently came out of his room as his homework was done....and I SCREAMED at him to go back into his room and GO AWAY.

WTH people?  I occasionally raise my voice to get things done.  But I SCREAMED.....he was afraid.  I made my child afraid.  I apologized, hugged him, told him to be a good boy for daddy and ran outside to the car and began crying.  Sobbing.  What did I do? I have damaged him, his trust, his heart.   I eventually came back in and numbly went through the evenings motions.  Crying through most of it.  I loved him and cuddled him and he said it was alright. But I told him over and over that it wasn't alright.

I misplaced my anger, frustration and emotions onto the wrong person. I feel awful.  Today, my eyes are swollen and I feel like crap.  I don't want to engage with others......I just .......I am sorry friends.  I am sorry for not being a good mommy.

I am trying to go with the fact that today is a new day.   Today I get to try again.  But I'm not feeling very good about things.    I needed to share this with you.