Holding on to hope on Fathers Day

Warning: TMI filled post to follow. Apologies in advance.

So despite my re-assuredness of the last doctors appointment, I woke up at 4 on Sat morning to surprise surprise, go to the bathroom and was shocked to see bright red blood streaked cervical mucus not a lot but enough to set off the alarm bells. I woke Husband up and shakily whispered "I 'm bleeding." He sweetly took me in his arms and held me and then asked how bad. Not much but nothing I wanted to see I said. He convinced me that it was no more than in Florida and things were fine. We had just seen two good ultrasounds and awesome growth...she said the chance was less than 5%. Please come to bed he said. As I lay in bed with his arms around me, I was trying trying so hard not to tense up my tummy muscles. Trying not to squish the fragile life inside me that I fear is slipping away. What a silly thought right? I felt crampy but I was also a bit constipated....what am I feeling miscarriage or just a belly full of poo? Who knows. We awoke at 8:30 and took J to see Toy Story 3 with some friends. A good reason to get up, shower, get dressed and live a little. The movie was cute (a bit dark if you ask me) and we came home for naps. Then a low key evening and early to bed. Not one sign of blood all day long. Not a drop. Maybe a fluke I thought and relaxed as I fell asleep.

Until this morning, I awoke at 5 to go to the bathroom and there was (TMI again) pinkish orange-ish fluid on the TP. I didn't wake up Husband, I crawled back in bed and somehow fell into sleep. I tried to be excited when J brought in his Fathers Day card and present to Husband at 7:05. I tried to be a good mom and get up then but I couldn't so we set him up with the Wii and let him play while I slept for awhile longer. I whispered to Husband that I am not sure things are going in the right direction. He hugged me and monitored me all day long. I am frightened. I had opened up my heart to think all was well. I am sooo afraid that all is not well. I did eventually get up and we were productive today. It actually felt good. And like yesterday, there have been no more negative signs. I am wishing for a window into my belly so I can see for myself that all is well or not. Waiting 2 weeks seems like forever, yet I don't want to just run to the Dr again for nothing.....its 2 hours out of my day and Husbands cause I would ask him to go too. I think I will call in the morning and see what Dr says....I'm a little afraid of going to sleep because inevitably I will have to get up to pee and then......Arrrrgggghhhhh I HATE THIS!!!!!!!

Oh friends, why is this not easy? I remember being pregnant with J and I was so ....carefree. What the hell did I know. I didn't even realize he was my miracle baby. I didn't savor it. Now the quest to bring him a healthy baby brother or sister into the world is all consuming. I can make it through the business day but by the time we get home I'm physically beat. Then, I'm trying soooo hard to stay positive but fresh memories of a miscarriage in March easily creep into my head. I'm mentally exhausted.

Husband just came in and said your typing like a mad woman. I guess I just needed to get this all out. Thanks for listening and sending your thoughts. I really appreciate it. Love to all. Prayers for baby. Good Night.