Thursday, October 28, 2010

Ugh, technology

Hello friends,

I wrote a post yesterday and its not there.  Trying to re-write.  Will post soon.  I hate technology sometimes.  I hope all is well.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


2010 Baby #1 Original Due Date.

Well last week I touched on this date and how I wasn't sure what I was feeling about it.  I have to say writing always makes me feel better and I had put it out of my head.  Until yesterday when I realized the date and the meaning of it.  Yesterday (Monday) was 10-11-10 but Sunday and Monday I was an unexplained and out of control emotional mess.

Weekend rundown leading to said mess (sorry in advance if its long winded):
Husband had taken it upon himself to install our dishwasher this weekend and anyone married to a DIY'er (a beginner one at that) will know that its at least 2 trips to the hardware store....a day.  Seriously.  Well, we only have one car and J and I had dance class and J had rehearsal for the Nutcracker (hes gonna be a Gingerbread boy!) on Saturday, then home for naps and we all went to dinner at a friends house.  Stop by the Home Depot (HD) on the way to friends - no less than 35 minutes in the store - goes without saying, we were late for dinner.  Great time at friends house, dinner by the fire pit and great conversation.

Sunday morning had J and I off to church.  Then after a quick stop by home for clothing change and lunch, we were off to zoo class to learn about Rhinos.  We dropped Husband off at HD on the way to the zoo.  The plan was for him to get the part he needed (they sold him wrong one on Sat), go home and finish that section of the install so we could pick him up for a birthday party we had to attend.  The plan completely bombed.  The bus took longer than expected to get him home, HD gave him wrong part AGAIN and he was not ready for party when zoo class ended.   He was going to get back on the bus and waste 3 more hours going to and from to try again.  Thats stupid.   Thank goodness for great friends because, despite it being a family orientated party, they told me to drop J off at the party and go do what I needed to do.  So I left him there with the present, ran home, got Husband, went to a different hardware store - another 30+ min inside, and then stopped at Sams Club across the street so I could get a few necessities.  Husband said lets just go get dinner at the party, pick up the boy and come home.  I looked at him, he was wearing the same cloths as the night before (same friends), he hadn't showered and when I asked if he had even brushed his teeth, the answer was negatory.  OK seriously, I get the wearing the same cloths, not showering and tossing on a baseball hat, but not brushing teeth?  Gross!  So I took him home to clean up, and in the meantime had a major meltdown over the messy house, my lack of time, my lack of control over life, everything.  I had known it was going to be a busy weekend but the extra trips to help get to the hardware stores and the knowledge at the end of the trips that the DW was still not going to be fully installed yet, missing visiting with other friends at the party, running running running, no time in the near future to clean out the toy room for the transformation to the baby's room, no time for picking paint, no time no time no time.  It all just put me over the edge.  So I cried, cleaned myself up, left Husband there to work on DW a bit more, went back to party which had by now broken up for the most part; ate some dinner, gave my exhausted boy a shower and jammies in case he fell asleep in the car and headed home.  Got him in bed and had more tears - same stuff:  just felt like my to do list was growing by the minute and my time to do it in was shrinking.  I was paralyzed and didn't know where to start.   So the logical thing to do is sit down and have a good cry right?  ugh  off to bed for me.  BUT because I'm so worked up, I woke up at 2:45 to pee and never went back to sleep until 5 (the alarm goes off at 6:15).  I wasn't overly anything:  just awake.  My brain was running but on what?  Not sure.

Nick had Monday off to accept delivery of our new furniture for the living room and supposedly work on DW so did not set his alarm and.....I overslept.  That started the day off just peachy. Work was a lot for a Monday as our servers had been down Thurs and Fri and I had a huge backlog of invoicing and shipping to get out.  The day flew and was highlighted by pics from home of the new furniture and Nick decorating.  It looks gorgeous and so.....grown up.   Sometime in the day someone mentioned that Sunday had been 10/10/10.  I kind of hit me like a ton of bricks.   But then I couldn't dwell, I had to finish my work.   When I got home and saw the beautiful new room and asked where everything else that had been in that room had was either on the table in the family room, shoved into the baby's room, or tossed downstairs.  And the DW was no further than on Sunday night.  Oh the wave of overwhelmed got so much bigger in just a few minutes.  Tears again.  But I had only a few minutes to cry as I had to leave to go teach dance  (there is some other stress happening there  - I didn't react well to something I didn't agree to and now that is looming as well).  Go teach, immerse myself in sharing my love of dance with children and I will say, that helped.  Got home and had a heart to heart with Husband.   Nothing really serious but we have been running running running and I think it had been awhile since we really talked.  When I told him the baby's due date would have been Sunday and he came and curled up with me in our new big chair - rubbed my belly with our new baby in it and cried with me.  We agreed we are in a better place but that we were sad that one hadn't worked out.  Then we slept - I think I was dehydrated as I slept through the night - no waking up to pee, but that may have been a blessing.

Today I know we will figure it out.  Today I know that our house wont ever be perfect.  Today I know that I am loved by many despite the mess in my house and the chaos in my life.   There was too much going on over the weekend.  And yet, in hindsight that was all handleable and kinda normal in the Motley house.   I think that though I was kind of unaware of the date, my emotions and body were fully aware and trying to make me take a moment.  So lesson learned, take a moment.  Acknowledge the time, mourn the loss, and move on.  Sorry again for the long winded-ness.  If you made it to here, you are amazing.  Have a great week everyone.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Absent Blogger Update

Hello Friends,

Despite a significant absence to the blogging world, things here are going just fine.  I read all the blogs on my reading list every day (I think its an addiction) I just haven't had much to say.   So an update is in order.

J started 5K the day of my last post.  He loves it! And hes tired!  My late night baby (9 or later if we were lucky) has graduated to an 8:30 boy no complaints and out like a light in a matter of minutes.  I debate about having him go down earlier but then I would NEVER see him and we could get nothing done on a weeknight.

J is very excited about the baby.  He is very thoughtful too.  We have a Carters Outlet nearby and they sent a coupon card in the mail.  J got the mail and brought it to me cooing "oh mommy look a baby sale, we should go buy something for my baby brother!"  Seriously, how who can resist that  - esp with his big blue eyes and sweet little face!  So, a few weeks ago I took J to the mall to visit the Oshkosh B'Gosh Outlet for fall school cloths and we stopped by Carters with our coupon and I let him pick out an outfit for the baby to come home in (with a train on it of course) and a fun one (with a monkey playing the guitar) for next spring or summer.  But I had to put the brakes on, he wanted to buy everything!  I had to convince him that we had tons of cute stuff from him and we should check out that before buying too much.  We did find a lovey (a super soft, small blanket square with a small stuffed animal head) for the baby at Kohls.  J had had a very cute lion one, actually 2, so one could be in the sitter bag or the wash and the other in his crib.  He picked out Winnie the Pooh and yes we did buy 2, but boy was he proud! Last night we were at Target and he wanted to buy the baby a cute toy.  I said no  - we need to see what we have already! Then we went out for dinner and he said - "the next time we come here mommy we have to sit at a table with 4 chairs for sure cause of my baby brother!"  I just think its so sweet.

Husband has been working on the house (installing a disposal a few weeks ago and this coming weekend the dishwasher goes in!  Whooo hooo!)  He has also started sorting out our basement.  When we moved into the new house, we emptied/dumped our storage unit into the basement with the intention of dealing with it soon.  Well, then I got pregnant and tired so not much has happened.  He had me come down and point out everything the baby would need for the 1st three months or so.  That buys him like 6-7 months before he has to dig anything out again.  I can't wait to take it all upstairs and set up the nursery. To wash the cloths and show J how little he was.  We are formulating a plan to take the toys from the toy room and relocate them downstairs while keeping them accessible so we can paint and make that the baby's room.  My best friend E and her mom want to come over and help paint - and they suggested stripes!  I cant wait! She had done that in her nursery and it turned out soooo beautiful.  I will post pics once its done.  We are reusing the nursery bedding from J as we love it and don't see reason to buy new.  J is proud to share it!  The theme?  Sealife.

Me?  I am 25 weeks today.  I am feeling well and growing bigger and bigger.  I slightly regret having taken an I don't give a Sh!t attitude to my eating after the miscarriage.  Its hard to turn around, and my sweet tooth is bigger than ever with this baby!  I am worried I am turning into a whale and that I will never wear my size 12s again.   Someday I hope to be even smaller than a 12 but right now a 12 post baby would be amazing.   I just feel so big already.  However, my Dr said she was thrilled at my last visit.  My weight, blood pressure, babys heartbeat and his measurement were all spot on she said. So I guess try to watch what I eat, rest when I'm tired (something I notoriously suck at - I usually just push though) and grow a healthy baby boy.

The name game....? I think we have it, not finalized but certainly our top contender.  Zachary.  The middle name will start with a J as Husband, J and myself all have J middle names.  This name is undecided.  The best part is J really likes this name, he got excited and stopped asking for Phineas or Ferb!

Lastly, I have had some strange emotions this week.  This coming Sunday is my original due date from the pregnancy in Jan.   I am acutely aware of the date, but  I am so firmly encompassed in this pregnancy and preparing and living life that I don't feel overly sad.  Is that wrong?  I wear my reminder charm on my necklace every day, and feel lost if I don't have it on.  Am I sad that that baby is not coming home now? Yes I guess so, although I have really been working on trusting in God and his plan for us.  I am certain that there was something about that baby that we were supposed to learn from....I am just not sure I  know the specific lesson yet. Unless it was simply to trust and what is supposed to happen will - ie: this baby.

I will try to keep you better posted  - I forgot how good it feels to write.  I hope all is well with you my friends. Have a great day!