Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Weird feelings.....

Hello Friends.

I have been struggling with some weird feelings.
I need to blog about it, I need to get it out and this is my safe place.
I need friends (esp real life friends) who read this not to have feelings hurt or to feel the need to protect me.
I just have these feelings and that is that.
Here goes.

I think.

Arrrgh!   Why is this so hard to say?
Its hard to say because, its stupid.  Its selfish.  Its childish.  It is base and shouldn't be discussed out loud or in writing or anywhere and yet I think its strangling me.

Ok.  I get jealous and feel bad about myself when others announce pregnancies.  (And purchasing of huge houses. That's the same right?)

There I said it.

What about it?  I'm sitting here, in my office, with tears in my eyes as I write this stupid, stupid thing.  I just wrote Monday that I was content with my life.  And I am in those moments.  Z is mobile and (frustratingly) independent   We have our lives back after being back in baby mode.  I don't think I could handle another baby.  I'm old.  I'm fat.  I work a full time job.  I already have two kids.  We have a tiny house with an even tinier bathroom. We do not have funds for daycare for a 3rd child.  We certainly don't have funds for college for any of them.  Who knows if we should even mess with Gods plan?  What if another baby is His plan?  What if I could be pregnant one more time and bring home one more baby?      Don't get me wrong, I don't adore being pregnant, its kind of a means to an end.  But a new baby, a new life.....      

....and the struggle to get pregnant, to stay pregnant, to not freak out the whole time in fear of losing what I so desperately wanted.  To await each cycle with fear and hope and tears and .......ugh. It took so long to get Z, we tried so many things.  Then it just happened.  Would it take long?  If I started on the path, I couldn't just walk away....could we, should we?  Husband says hes too old and doesnt want more.  He also says that if that is really what would make my heart complete then we can I?  Should we?

Then, I look at my mom friends who seem to do it so effortlessly.  They get pregnant on a dime, have babies that are perfectly spaced, perfectly groomed, perfectly behaved.  They bring them home to perfectly decorated, pictures on the wall, everyone has their own bedroom and possibly even own bathroom houses.  Moms get 12 weeks of maternity leave.  Then they go to work, and come home to a huge house. They go to the gym! There are not dirty cloths waiting to be washed in a pile in the basement or toys scattered EVERYWHERE.  The bathrooms (plural) are actually clean.  They do all sorts of activities with and without children, are super engaged with their children and yet no one seems to be at their wits end.  They don't lose their tempers with their children.  The bank account is never low and the grocery shopping is always done and dinner is rarely cooked in the microwave from a box.

OK maybe this is more about my feelings of inadequacy in all aspects of my life.  See I told you I needed to blog.  OH PLEASE DO NOT THINK LESS OF ME FOR THESE FEELINGS!  I know they are senseless.  But I feel them.

My bestie, says we are just in different places.  I want to smack her. She is 5 years younger than me and her life is F-ing perfect.  Seriously.  Nothing hard ever happens at that house.

Another friend told me that the "hard" things that happen in my life just build character.  Well, friends, I have LOTS of character!  Lots and lots and lots.

I have to go.  I really have a few things to do before I leave today.  But this was bubbling inside me and just needed to get out.

If you have thoughts or feelings like this or if you hate me now.....let me know.   Thanks for listening.

Monday, January 28, 2013

2 year old Z

Hello Friends,

I should be fair and do a snapshot of my little Z at 2 years old.  

Holy cow that went fast and yet it feels as if hes been a part of us forever.  What can I tell you about him today?  He is tiny, barely 26 lbs and 35 inches.  Still wearing some 18-24 month outfits and some 2T stuff is falling off of him.  And yet this little guy is a full on whirlwind of energy.  He wakes up around 6:15/6:30 ready to play and never stops but to sleep; one decent nap a day and bedtime at 8:30.    He has a fantastic smile and his giggles are infectious.  He runs, jumps, gallops, rarely walks, climbs, tumbles, and launches himself through life.

Z understands everything we say.  He follows simple instructions fairly well and clearly has things to tell us just does not have the words to do so. Husband, babysitter and I made a list; it has about  36 "words" that we have heard him say. I use words loosely as for many of them you kinda have to interpret but in the last few weeks it has gotten easier to communicate with him.  Frustration levels have gone down significantly on both sides. He still exclusively signs for "thank you" and "all done" - wont even attempt to say them and happily nods yes or no at you to confirm what he has signed.  The Birth to Three social worker will be calling be soon to follow up and see if we need to do anything further.  His doctor says hes certainly not ahead but he is doing fine for the age.

He is so easy to put down at night.  We say prayers as a family, and give kisses and hugs all around.  Then, we read three books, in a specific order (his choice not mine), while rocking in his room.  I play a lullabye cd for him, put him in his crib, tuck a Poo.h Bear lovey in his arm as he pops his two fingers in his mouth.  I cover him up with 2 specific blankets (again, his choice lately) and walk out.  He has been having some trouble sleeping through the night but I think hes confused with the time. When he gets up and I let him get up at 6:15/6:30am its still just as dark in his room as it is at 4am......   The other night I went in to soothe him and he reached up to be picked up and he pointed to the hall way and said "pay car?"  Play Cars?  J has a Hot Wh.eels Wall Track set and Z LOVES to play with it.  He thought it was time to get up and play....he was VERY sad to find out it wasn't time to get up. On the plus side, he is just as easy to get to go back to sleep.

Z goes to the babysitters house daily during our work hours and is so happy to see her every day.  She takes such good care of our boys.   He has also spent time at the day care where J goes before and after school and easily integrates into their routine and loves to be there too.  If I could afford it, I would send them both there.  Not because its better than her house, its just different and it would mean only one drop off in the morning and one pick up in the afternoon.  Sometimes I take him in with me to pick up J and all the teachers smile and say Hi to him and he smiles and waves back and usually cries when its time to get in the car after only 5 min.  That makes me feel so good (not the act of crying just that he is comfortable there).  Its nice to have options for him  - especially since his sitter takes off A LOT of days in the summer.  And I refuse to take her days off as mine if I don't have to.   

Shopping with Z has proven lately to be less than pleasurable.  He wont sit in the cart for anything not even candy (yes I have tried).  Seriously, he screams bloody murder - like I'm torturing him or something.  So I let him out of the cart to walk and he refuses to hold hands - again sliding to the disgusting store floor and crying....I would let him walk alone but he doesn't listen, he wants to run the aisles and J cant help because Z either thinks its a game and runs faster, or hates it and screeches.  Then, if we actually make it to the register, when I am paying, he runs towards the door (because we are done and it must be time to go right?) and those automatic doors that are so nice when you are pushing a cart are NOT good at stopping a toddler!  AT ALL! They slide right open!  I cannot tell you how many times I left my purse with wallet open to sprint after him to stop him before he actually gets outside.   Husband says, you shouldn't leave your purse like that.....(eye roll.  Really?  Kid or purse.....?hmmmmmm)

So we have stopped going.  Yes, we gave up going in as a family.  We either stop and either Husband or I run in alone while the rest of us wait in the van, or we order P.ea Pod.  They deliver right into your kitchen!  You can order online right up until the night before and  then they bring it in!  As long as you watch, price wise its not much different and we don't have to take him in there! Note: In the last week he has gone in with Husband for short jaunts and has apparently been good. We'll see.......

Lastly, my little ball of energy has figured out that snuggling is a good thing.  I LOVE IT!  He has never liked that very much, that kind of made me sad sometimes because J was/is such a snuggler. We were better off putting him down as an infant than trying to rock it out.  Within the last few months, he will crawl up next to me and put his head down with his fingers in his mouth.  Sometimes laying right on me, other times just being real close to me and touching or patting. Over the weekend, he pulled up my shirt and laid his cheek on my tummy.  It was like he needed some kangaroo snuggling or something! Sigh...all of it makes me very contented!

Have a great day everyone!

Thursday, January 24, 2013

J at Eight

Hello Friends,

I thought I should take a moment or two and document about my sweet J at 8 years old.

J is a dark blond, blue eyed, tall (4 feet 3 inches), skinny (60 lbs) heap of second grade sweetness.  He is almost out of size 8 pants because they are too short. But 10's are too long depending on the brand.  No matter what brand he wears, we have to buy slim AND the waist has to be adjustable or they just fall off!  He thinks its hilarious when he can "pants himself" by walking around the house!   He is polite (most of the time) and thoughtful to and about others (again, most of the time).

J is very artistic.  The art work he brings home is so intricate and beautiful.  Classroom teachers often have children draw an idea to prompt writing;  they tell me they have to remind him to stop with the drawing in order to do the work.  Deep down, I like that.

He is frighteningly good at math.  Seriously, he can do stuff in his head that amazes me (and I need to think about hard before I get the answer) multiplication, easy division, subtraction and addition - all of it.  He just seems to "get" it.  He brought home some work before the holidays that was pre-algebra! Do you recall he is only in 2nd grade?  :)

J still takes tap dance and is pretty good at it. I might be a bit biased, but I think if he continues he could be great at it!  He was taking Tae Kwon Do through our Rec program, but we are taking a semester break as it added to our cold weather running around and the registration fee was due right after the holidays.....He seems ok with it.  I think that when we re-join, Husband is going to take the class with him.  It will be good for both of them.

He adores his little brother.  J is prideful of him and is thrilled when he is rewarded with hugs and Z attention.  He tries hard to play with Z and makes concessions with toys in order to do so.  J has turned the corner in reading and likes to try to read to Z.....who doesn't always appreciate the effort!

J always was and still is a cuddle bug.  He will still snuggle at every opportunity and although we don't fit in the rocker together very well anymore, he will try to climb up on me for a rock at night if he gets the chance.  I suspect that a photo would look like arms and legs everywhere.  Its not very comfy for me but he likes it.  I try to snuggle with him in his bed at night but sometimes, its too late and we just need everyone to get to sleep ASAP.  J has nightmares sometimes, I suspect it's his body's way of waking him up to use the bathroom, but he sure gets frightened. And from silly stuff like " D.oo" Needless to say we monitor what he watches and don't push that envelope very far. He is very interested in H.arry P.otter stuff - I'm just not sure about introducing it yet.   When he wakes up with a nightmare, I send him to the bathroom and then he can come sleep in our bed for awhile.  Cuddles again!  That only lasts until Husband or I needs to move around or it gets too hot, our bed is only a Queen and not intended for 3 people.  I know this cuddle stage will eventually go away as he grows older.  I try to treasure it and allow it when I can.

He is a relatively easy going boy who adores his electronics; Wii, 3DS, computer games in general, and he is thrilled when he can get his hands on Husbands or my Android based phones for Angry Birds.   He is also very into Leg.o's and other little boy toy collections that I do not understand ie: Beyblades.  As I said earlier he turned a corner in reading ability and comprehension and is on a roll.  He asked for books for his birthday so my sister took him to a major local bookseller and he got to buy 3 beginning chapter books.  He also got a timer bookmark from my sister-in-law.  He is very proud when he finishes another book and accomplishes his weekly school reading goal.

I could talk about my sweet boy all day long, but I think I should get some work done ;)

Have a great day everyone!

Monday, January 21, 2013

2013.....8 & 2 oh my!

Happy New Year Friends!

Here we are safely embarking upon 2013.  A brief catch up (hey did you notice its only been one month-ish since my last post?)

Christmas was....ok. The kids had a great time, we did not stress about it too much and it was nice.  But I had a stomach bug the entire weekend of and Christmas Eve.  I wasn't full blown sick, I just really didn't feel right.  Food smelled great, tasted great, just couldn't eat lots of it.  So weird (and a bummer as Husband made an AMAZING lasagna and Italian salad). Not one but 3 people asked me if I was pregnant.  I said I hope not as I have the Mir.ena and that would not be good.    Christmas day I was finally back to normal and we had a nice time opening presents with the boys.  Then we spent all day playing with our new stuff.   Sadly, back to work the next day.

Next up, New Years. We headed to my sister-in-laws for New Years Eve and we went early to maximize cousin time for the boys.  My boys are the youngest 2 out of 7 grandkids and they get mucho attention there.  We gather annually on NYE and do appetizers all night long and usually the cousin Christmas exchange.  Then on New Years morning, Husband and I make breakfast and we start the birthday celebrations for J and Z and they get their gifts from that side of the family.  We were home from thier house by 2:30 and napping by 3.  It was a nice weekend.

On January 2, J turned 8.  Eight years old, holy cow!  Really?  I have an 8 year old........  It was back to work and J had school that day.  So we sent a fun treat to school and another to daycare and he was allowed to pick a place to go to eat.  He picked Ap.plebee's.  My parents and sister joined us for dinner and here is the sunday they brought him when they sang.   (I took the candle and gave it to the waiter when I told him it was his birthday. )  He doesnt really like cake so this was great for him.

Yes he ate the whole thing! 

We went back to our house for presents and then it was bedtime. And reality of life returned (school work life)!

On Saturday, Jan 19th, we had a gathering of our close family friends with kiddos to celebrate both J and Z. I had found a great Leg.o party kit and did a loose theme.  I looked and looked to find a cake to make that looked like a brick, but then reality set in; I'm capable and willing, but just did not have time.  So I called a local bakery and asked for a Leg.o themed cake.  They said sure.  At the last minute I asked them to put a small monkey by Z's name as he is a monkey!   I think it turned out cute.   

 I think it turned out cute!!
And I think they liked it!!!

Then yesterday was Z's actual birthday.  He's 2!  Can you believe he's 2 already? We invited my parents over for dinner (my sister was traveling for work) recycled the dinner from Sat,  and re-used a portion of the cake from Sat.   He seemed happy and the food was just as good on day two!

Blowing out his candle

 His big present from us (on sale at Club)  Cant wait for spring I think this is going to be fun!
A quiet moment. Look at that little face!

J will actually get one more party next week.  He asked if a few friends from school could come to the family friends party and it was already too big, and it would have been complicated to have them there too.  So Im taking a 4 of them bowling after church on Sunday.  Then we are done.  NO MORE BIRTHDAYS for awhile.  I get this way every year.  The run from Thanksgiving to Christmas all the way through Z's birthday is just one very long ride.  We did it right this year, it was very nice all around.  I'm just tired, a bit broke and now need to clean out closets and toy shelves to fit all the new stuff in.  

We are blessed.  I love my boys. I have contributed at least two beautiful things in this world!  Have a great day!