Awoke on Wednesday (D&C day) feeling.....calm and I found that strange. Had to eat before 6:45 so was up at 6 to eat some food and have some alone time. Woke up J and took him to school. Came home, curled up on the couch and watched a bunch of our DVR'd shows until my mom came to pick us up to go to the surgery center. I felt kind of peaceful. Kind of accepting. Not overly sad. Strange. Our pastor called (bff E's Dad) he said beautiful words, he made me cry. It felt good to cry.
At surgery center they were gentle with my feelings, and again, I love my Dr. She stopped by my prep room in her street cloths and chatted with us a bit. About the baby, about what comes next, about everyday life things. Then she went to change and scrub in and I went to the bathroom one more time. The anesthesiologist took me and walked me to the room and I climbed up on the cold table. They hooked me up to the monitors, put lovely warm blankets on me and put a mask on my face to make me sleep. My Dr came and held my hand as I fell asleep. I awoke with a start in recovery and wasn't groggy at all. The finality of it all hit hard and I cried with the nurse for a bit (her daughter has been struggling for 2 years to conceive). Then I just wanted to go home. The discharge area is nice. You sit in a recliner and sip juice until you have to go to the bathroom (then you can go home). Your family can be there with you and hold your hand. I felt fine other than a bit shaky from the anesthesia and really crampy from the procedure. Once I was discharged, we headed to the new house and dropped Husband off for the home inspection and off to Walgreens for meds (I think I love Darvacet), Caribou for decadent hot chocolate, then to school to pick up J. Home for some serious couch time. Strange feelings. Empty, sad, hopeful, excited about new house, snuggling with my boy, hanging out with my mom. Meds to help me sleep. Wonderful, resting, dreamless sleep.
Stayed home on Thursday because I couldn't drive or be left alone until 24 hours after the procedure. Used it as a good mental health day. My spirits felt strangely good - is that bad or good, not sure. Watched more tv, slept, ate whatever I wanted (spring oreos and milk....lots), talked about the new house and trying again for a baby, getting back on the healthy wagon on Monday. Husband promised sushi this weekend and wine if I wanted it. I am going to eat whatever I want until Sunday regardless of calories or goodness for me.
Friday we took a deep breath and went back to work. I recalled that I had a tiny opal necklace and put it on (opal is the October birthstone). A small symbol of my loss, a small comfort to wear. A few people at work knew and were gentle with us. We are not sure what was said to those who were not aware, but it was back to work as usual. 2.5 days gone and my desk was swamped. Good. It kept me moving and working. One small moment at work out of nowhere but then not too bad. Home to snuggle and just be.
Today, Saturday, dawned sunny and bright with a hint of spring in the air. No time for moping, J has dance class, zoo class, a birthday party at an inflatable play place and dinner and cake back at our friends house. This day dawned with hope and healing. I feel peaceful and stronger. I am anxious to wait my 2 cycles so we can try again, although frightened to go through this again. In the meantime, we will move to our new home, we will move our corporate offices at work the following week (are we crazy? possibly), I have recital to prepare my students for, and we have J. Sweet, lovable, huggable J. He knows nothing but senses something. He has been extra loving and snuggly and I am soaking it up.
Tomorrow, we will venture to church. To be closer to God, to accept the love and support of the community that is behind us. Thinking about it just now, tears spring to my eyes. It will be hard, but it will be good. Thank you again for the support friends, it means the world to us both.
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