Friday, January 29, 2010

A new year....and time to write.

I haven't fallen off the face of the planet. Really I haven't. Just been very busy at work and at home, which is a good thing cause we were on a break and it mostly kept the baby hoping at bay. Now as I approach what I am certain is my cycle arriving this weekend, I feel like mentally things are ramping up a bit. I feel disappointment and there is no news, I feel failure though I haven't "officially" failed, no sign of AF. What the hell is my problem today?

I got through the holidays pretty well. Dealt with getting my period full force on my son's 5th birthday. Sad for so many reasons, OK, not sad: a bit melancholy. My little baby is 5. He used to fit on my chest in tree frog snuggle and now we can barely both snuggle in the rocking chair - he is a tall boy! So many milestones that day. 5 years ago we had him. 3 years ago I felt it was time to start trying again. 2 years ago we started getting help, 1 year ago I started losing hope. This year.....I have no idea. J was student of the week after his birthday and they have to fill out a poster all about them. One section is about wishes. His first wish: a baby brother or sister. UGH!!!! He is so sweet with the babies in his life, he would be the best big brother.

So this is the year of change for the Motley crew. Around my birthday, we had a come to Jesus conversation at our house and Husbands alcohol consumption has been reduced to very special occasions only. He is doing really well. Wow what an improvement in our family life. We are having fun. We are having more sex, nice benefit for both of us. And, I think here is where the hope creeps back in, maybe there will be improved semen health. We have yet to schedule the SA, I'm kind of waiting now for about 3 months of healthier living.

As part of this healthier living (Husband needs to lower cholesterol and I need to lose some weight, OK....a LOT of weight) as a family (the grownups that is - then J by default) we are really watching what we are eating. We found a website that will help us figure out how many calories a day we should have, easily tracks calories, fats, sugars, fitness, etc... , has iPhone and Blackberry apps for on the go entering, and you can friend people and be each others support system. Very cool. In almost 4 weeks Husband is 1 lb away from his goal. I hate that guys can lose so easily by just cutting out chips and soda/beer. UGH! I have done well and not so well all at the same time. As of Tuesday, which was about 3 weeks, I was down 7 lbs, then Wednesday I was up 3 from that, what the hell? OK maybe its cause I eat dinner so late on Tuesday. Then Thursday was not much better, pounded water all day - so thirsty, now back down 1. So probably only lost 5.5 on average. I know its still a good trend. I know I shouldn't weigh everyday, but I need the accountability. I hate eating good. I hate having to think about it. I hate trying to balance it all out. I am frustrated today. Maybe I'm up cause of my impending cycle. I'm kinda hoping so... today I just really want a candy bar, and fast food, and to be cozy and warm. (its like 4 degrees out before windchill today - brrrrrrrr) I feel like chucking it all and saying what the hell. Hmmm thats like the 4th time I've said that.....

Well, I should get back to work. I will try to write again next week. Have a great weekend everyone! (Can you believe Feb is on Monday????? YIKES!)