Thursday, December 17, 2009

I'm better - thank you for asking

I thought I would let you all know that I'm having a much better week than last week. That shouldn't be too hard to do, right?

Thoughts....the mom who complained about my class praised me up and down to my boss (huh?), and she claims she really appreciates my contributions. I have been gone too much from my family so I have put the kibosh on lots of extra running around and even skipped the gym this week for minimal disruptions. My friends: well they are sooo wonderful, and understanding. Money....just keep plugging away, enough said. We like our apartment, the location, and our neighbors, its just too small for all our stuff so take a deep breath and start small right? At least my tree is up, the boxes aren't put away, but tree is up. Small victories.

Thoughts on a baby...we are on a break so I'm not really tracking. Did not write down day 1 of cycle, pretty sure based on physical feelings that I am ovulating right now. I think that is early, but as I didn't write down day 1, I am not sure....sigh. So we have some pre-holiday fun and we shall see. I think I am resigning myself to just one beautiful, blonde haired, blue eyed baby boy for us (who is going to be 5 in 2 weeks!!!). There is a little hope left and it will be spent on some semen analysis for Husband. Maybe even over the! We shall see.

Whatever the case may be, please everyone have a happy and safe holiday season. Hug the children in your lives and revel in the wonder and excitement that they exude. I think it may be therapeutic (if you can let it be).

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

The "almost" optimist

Hello friends, I haven't forgotten about you, life has been a bit of a roller coaster lately. Busy, fun, and full. We had a great Thanksgiving but J started having fevers at night the day before that lasted all the way into the next week. Thank goodness for grape flavored children's Tylenol!

This weekend was a whirlwind of activities and emotions. Friday night, dinner with my sister and some old friends, went home for a total emotional breakdown (more in a minute). Sat, J had tap class, we went to storage to pick up holiday decorations, husband and I had bowling league, and then we surprised J by coming home and taking him to the Canadian Pacific Holiday Train stop in my parents town. Oh the joy on that little boys face! Soooo worth the cold (29 degrees) and late night. Sunday, Church and Sunday school - due to a mis-schedule the service was almost 2 hours!!! Lord. I was late to meet my sister to work out and discuss presents for our parents, which made me late to meet my mom to shop for my sister for xmas (we had kick a$$ coupons that were going to expire this week) which made in turn made me late to get home and do decorations with my family. I'm in the doghouse with husband and have no idea how to have made the weekend work out better for J (I didn't get to spend much time with him). I thought squeezing in the shopping with mom would save me another night gone this week - I was already out so just knock it out of the park, right? Wrong. Whatever-I suck apparently.

So on to the emotional breakdown from Friday (which is probably spilling into the Sunday "I suck" statement.) I had dinner with my sister and my boss from the dance studio and her daughter. We are all friends outside of dance and have made an effort to get together a few times a year. Anyway - it started out with my boss asking me a dance question. Kind of questioning my teaching ability for a student and a parent that is upset. Now she is fully aware of my abilities, and how far she is pushing my limits with this certain class. It just took me to an insecure place. Then I called and Husband thought I had told J I would be home for bedtime (it was after) I don't think I did but no matter, I was "late." So now I am not only an "ok" dance teacher, I am late to go home to my son. Greeaatt now even more insecure, aaaaand the floodgates opened.....

I am usually an optimist - seriously, I can easily and always give the benefit of the doubt to just about anyone and any situation. I rarely think someone is being malicious on purpose, however on Friday I realized that I am "almost" in my whole life. I can only almost do things, all things...I can almost have a clean and organized home, I can almost afford to buy a house, I can almost have time to spend with my son, I can almost have a baby, I can almost be a good wife, I can almost be a good friend, I can almost be a good teacher. But nothing I do is actually 100%. Not even close.

My home is dirty and messy and there are only hints of organization here and there. The laundry is never totally done. We can't afford to buy a house and have child care at the same time so we are stuck in an apartment. I am so busy with 2 jobs and trying to squeeze in time with my friends that I am often not home to spend time with J. I can't have a baby despite the Dr's finding no reason in me not to. Despite having a very large network of close friends, I just am not good at being a friend and when I find time to spend with them, I am not a good wife as I leave my husband at home with our son and only think about myself. I don't have the time or money to take classes outside of what I teach so am only an ok teacher. I am almost at the end of my rope.

I know my thoughts are everywhere - sorry about that. I don't have any wise quips to wrap this up. I don't have any good resolution. I am, just me, and I don't know how else to be.