Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Numb and sad...

Today I went back to the OBGYN. She bounced into the room, asking how great was last weeks ultrasound and do I feel preggo now? I laughed and said I am starting to feel more so. I scooted to the end of the table, and she got down to "wandy" ultrasound business.

Then her face changed. She moved the wand all around. She quietly said "oh no." The baby stopped developing some time last week. Shocking? Um yes. And no. Last week when she moved my due date, I will admit I got a little nervous. But we had seen the heartbeat and that looked so good. I started to believe it, to trust it. We told a few more people. Then this morning I got nervous. I can't tell you why. I im'd Husband before I left (he is in a huge development cycle at work and was out sick two days last week - we didn't think he needed to come....sigh). I told him I was nervous and he wisely said, stop that - if you do this the whole time it will be a long haul. He was right so off I went. So when her face changed....I actually wasn't surprised. It took a few minutes and then it started to hit me for real. This baby that we waited for sooooo long for, this miracle - wasn't actually to be. The Dr was very upset - more than me at first. She said I could wait for it to pass on my own but it could be awhile yet, or I could have a D&C. I opted for the D&C tomorrow afternoon. It's her day off but she got a sitter for her kids and will do the procedure herself. She is so special.

My mom is coming to drive us, Husband will be there and I have the thoughts and tears of many others supporting us. This is hard. I feel strange. I am fine one minute then sobbing the next. I am already ready to try again as I have true hope now. Yet I am so sad that this one will never be. What a roller coaster 2010 is turning out to be. We put in an offer on a house this weekend and it was accepted. now this. Strange. I will write more about all that later. Needed to process a bit. This blog helps - sorry if its disjointed. Tears and kisses. I love you all.

2 comments:

  1. Oh sweetie! I'm so sorry. I don't even have anything to say, but I'm thinking of you and I'll pray that this works for both of us this year. I can't say that I have been there, but I will say that I am thinking of you. God Bless and Love.

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  2. The thoughts and prayers are enough for now. I feel so surrounded by love from friends near and far and even ones I've never met, like you . I am grateful that we are in the hearts and minds of all of you. We are taking that power, turning it inward and then sending it heavenward. Thanks again.....

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