Breakdown - a side effect with a good result?

So other than some hot flashes with Clomid when I first started, and some doozy headaches the last 2 months, I haven't really noticed any real major side effects of taking it. Until possibly yesterday. I had a total breakdown - poor husband - didn't know what hit him! Major mood swings have arrived I think.....greeaat.

My husband and I are not confrontationalists and sometimes we do a real good job of avoiding a topic. I have been wanting him to talk about the possibility of my having surgery, he has simply said do what you think you need to do. Arrrrgh! Sooo last night, I came home and was internally agitated - wasn't sure what my problem was but I felt restless and unsettled. The neighbor asked if J could come play at his house, so we were alone for like 2 minutes and I jumped all over him for something and he pushed back and the floodgates opened! YIKES! My little push was so not about that. I finally told him that I want to know how he feels about all this - honestly. He told me he thinks having another baby is becoming my primary focus and he worries that it is escalating. I told him that I wasn't sure what to do, I wanted another baby and based on my chemistry, the only way for that to happen is to take meds, track our love life, do my day 21 blood work, and when I get my period, see the Dr so she can re prescribe meds and start all over again. If I stop all that - it will be like going back on birth control, no possibility of a baby, not even by accident. He got teary and said he would love nothing more than to have another child but he also knows that he can accept only having 1 easier than I can. So after lots of talking and crying on both our parts (much needed I think), we decided that if I am not pregnant, I will have the surgery, see what they say and we will have to have more conversations like this after we know more. I thought all was well. We had both stopped snuffling and it felt complete.

Then he said "Now, what are we going to do for dinner?" I didn't have a plan (or many options in the pantry) so naturally I burst into tears again. Whoa! Not just tears, sobbing. Over dinner and not having options? Seriously?!? OK ...calm down take a breath and move on. Wow!

The rest of the night was OK - he had some work to do and I made dinner, gave the boy a bath and put him to bed. This morning I feel like I've been hit with a ton of bricks, and I even went to bed early. So now what? Today I feel calm so far, but we shall see what the rest of the day brings. This journey is a roller coaster - have I mentioned I don't like roller coasters?

A decision, I think

So I met with my Dr and discussed all my fears. She didn't really address the menopause question, she wrote it all down and I think chalked it up to Clomid hormones, but we did talk about exploratory surgery. YIKES! She was ready to do it next week, but I cannot get my life in order to be off work for 2 weeks, and not driving for 1, in the space of a few days. So here is the decision, I think.

I am taking Clomid again this month, if ovulation days fall on a Friday or Monday, we will have an IUI done. This is unlikely as I think we are looking at a Saturday, which excludes us from IUI - again. If I don't get pregnant, I will have surgery on Sept 18. Those of you that know me know that I am a planner! I won't actually know if I'm having surgery until the beginning of that week - when I find out if I am pregnant or not. AARRGGGHHH. The unknown is frightening. Will it hurt? Yes. How Much? Not sure. Seriously out of work for at least 2 weeks?.....oh dear. Will I get the answers I'm looking for? Unknown, but I hope so.

What is she going to do exactly? That I do know! She is going to laparoscopically (sp?) look in my belly for endometriosis(major maternal history), if she finds some, she will remove what she can. She is going to look inside my uterus, do a D&C to scrape any extra stuff out (hence not doing this if I get pregnant!), and finally push dye through my fallopian tubes to see if they are blocked.

If after all that, the answer is that I cannot have children - there will be immense sadness and then I pray that we/I can move on. If the answer is that I look great inside, then we have decisions to make (and I think husband will have to do another semen analysis). We may still be done, we may try a bit longer. I have heard that after the dye flushes through your tubes, you have excellent chances of getting pregnant. Miracles happen right?

Then there is the money issue. Well we have been budgeting and saving as of late, but not for this. We have a $500 deductible and then 20%. This is not bad - but it is not great for our bank account or the prospect of a house in the sprin... Another worry.

My husbands take on it; if you feel its important, then do it. (sigh - not really an answer) My mom; do it, history is so bad on her side of the family, she wants to know I am healthy and well. Whether it leads to a new baby or not. Me....I am with mom, until my brain kicks in and I start thinking about all of the above. Still processing I guess! Maybe I will get pregnant this month and I wont have to do it! Pray for that, I am.

Not surprised, just kind of disappointed.

So despite throwing caution to the wind, I am not pregnant. I'm not really surprised, I think that's why the sushi was soooo good - twice. I'm not even mind blowingly sad, just kind of tired and disappointed. I have an ultrasound appointment today to be checked for cysts so I can have another round of Clomid. I had to think hard to do my charting for her today - I think I kinda checked out last month- usually I'm very on top of it.

I'm gearing up to ask her two scary questions....1- should we do an exploratory surgery to see if I have an internal problem. 2- (and the most scary) does she think I'm starting menopause. I had tons of weird symptoms last month and then I googled some of them and the top response from Dr. Google was menopause...I'm terrified to hear what she may say. I know that I'm too far into this cycle to do the blood work for her to check on my egg reserve. What if I missed my window? Tough to process - though then I could have a huge-ass garage sale with all the baby stuff I had saved....

Lastly my husbands resolve to not drink so much has hit a slight detour - he is now back on track but he thinks that we should wait another month to try an IUI - so his sperm can be the best they can be.......AARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!! Frustrated! I asked him if he was sabotaging our efforts...he said no - he would be thrilled to have another baby but if its just our son that's OK too. Whatever.

I'm going to go get my Ultrasound, and ask my scary questions and process the responses. I will report back later.

Caution in the wind

Whew, we just got through a whirlwind 6 days of family and friends in town to celebrate my parents 60th birthdays. Between party prep and execution of said party and the extra events for the out of towners, I, of course, ovulated. I knew the timing would be bad but took the Clomid anyway in an effort to keep my cycle regular (and keep ovulating). We gave it a few good go's around the magic day and crossed our fingers. But with all the activities, I wasnt able to dwell on it too much.

I also threw caution to the wind...

I took the "its probably not going to work anyway" mentality and decided that it was party weekend and I needed a break. Instead of sipping one glass of wine, I had several - on several days. Instead of resisting my urge for fresh sushi, I caved - twice! OMG it was soooooo good! And sleep?...Whats that? I highly recommend being so busy you cannot think during the two week wait but that is a brutal schedule to carry. We did have a really good time though!

I now have just less than a week left to wait - sigh - and now that life is back to normal, my brain is clicking away. Did I do a bad thing by indulging my cravings? What if this is the month? I will be grateful if this is when it happens, but feel badly if I did something that would harm a sweet little person. Well, I guess I will just pray and try not to think about any of it too much.