Monday, November 16, 2009


Had the strangest feeling come over me yesterday. And it was weird.

First, let me say that we had a great weekend. We helped my mom with some things at her house on Saturday (because my dad is out of the country on business for the 3rd week in a row), took J to TrainFest for 5 hours on Sunday, and just enjoyed ourselves in general.

So on to the weird. I hadn't really thought about infertility or babies or anything close to that all weekend; well, at least not obsessively. I found out a close family friend is expecting and it was tough but whatever, life happens, people (especially young newlywed people) are going to get pregnant right? I did notice an abundance of strollers and new babies at TrainFest, but that's a good family activity so, whatever. No biggie. Well...I was folding some laundry last night and as I put my jeans away in the closet, out of nowhere, I had the thought, a statement actually, flash into my mind. "This is not going to happen for us." It was calm, and I stayed calm. It didn't send me into a tailspin, just made me quiet. I have been praying for guidance and knowledge. Is this it? Is this the answer? "Its not going to happen for us."

When he realized I was so quiet, Husband asked whats up and I told him about it. He was sooooo confused. He looked at me like I was on drugs and said, "Based on what? Where is this coming from?" I couldn't tell him as I had no idea. It wasn't like my dark place where I go when I'm feeling negative, which is what I think he thought was happening. It just was a statement that came to me out of nowhere.

Today, I just feel... weird. I can't explain it, I am not even sure how to process it. Maybe I should find one of those babies in my life, borrow a snuggle and see if they have any suggestions. Sigh.......