Weird feelings.....

Hello Friends.

I have been struggling with some weird feelings.
I need to blog about it, I need to get it out and this is my safe place.
I need friends (esp real life friends) who read this not to have feelings hurt or to feel the need to protect me.
I just have these feelings and that is that.
So.
Here goes.








I think.



Arrrgh!   Why is this so hard to say?
Its hard to say because, its stupid.  Its selfish.  Its childish.  It is base and shouldn't be discussed out loud or in writing or anywhere and yet I think its strangling me.

Ok.  I get jealous and feel bad about myself when others announce pregnancies.  (And purchasing of huge houses. That's the same right?)

There I said it.

What about it?  I'm sitting here, in my office, with tears in my eyes as I write this stupid, stupid thing.  I just wrote Monday that I was content with my life.  And I am in those moments.  Z is mobile and (frustratingly) independent   We have our lives back after being back in baby mode.  I don't think I could handle another baby.  I'm old.  I'm fat.  I work a full time job.  I already have two kids.  We have a tiny house with an even tinier bathroom. We do not have funds for daycare for a 3rd child.  We certainly don't have funds for college for any of them.  Who knows if we should even mess with Gods plan?  What if another baby is His plan?  What if I could be pregnant one more time and bring home one more baby?      Don't get me wrong, I don't adore being pregnant, its kind of a means to an end.  But a new baby, a new life.....      

....and the struggle to get pregnant, to stay pregnant, to not freak out the whole time in fear of losing what I so desperately wanted.  To await each cycle with fear and hope and tears and .......ugh. It took so long to get Z, we tried so many things.  Then it just happened.  Would it take long?  If I started on the path, I couldn't just walk away....could we, should we?  Husband says hes too old and doesnt want more.  He also says that if that is really what would make my heart complete then we can talk....do I?  Should we?

Then, I look at my mom friends who seem to do it so effortlessly.  They get pregnant on a dime, have babies that are perfectly spaced, perfectly groomed, perfectly behaved.  They bring them home to perfectly decorated, pictures on the wall, everyone has their own bedroom and possibly even own bathroom houses.  Moms get 12 weeks of maternity leave.  Then they go to work, and come home to a huge house. They go to the gym! There are not dirty cloths waiting to be washed in a pile in the basement or toys scattered EVERYWHERE.  The bathrooms (plural) are actually clean.  They do all sorts of activities with and without children, are super engaged with their children and yet no one seems to be at their wits end.  They don't lose their tempers with their children.  The bank account is never low and the grocery shopping is always done and dinner is rarely cooked in the microwave from a box.

OK maybe this is more about my feelings of inadequacy in all aspects of my life.  See I told you I needed to blog.  OH PLEASE DO NOT THINK LESS OF ME FOR THESE FEELINGS!  I know they are senseless.  But I feel them.

My bestie, says we are just in different places.  I want to smack her. She is 5 years younger than me and her life is F-ing perfect.  Seriously.  Nothing hard ever happens at that house.

Another friend told me that the "hard" things that happen in my life just build character.  Well, friends, I have LOTS of character!  Lots and lots and lots.

I have to go.  I really have a few things to do before I leave today.  But this was bubbling inside me and just needed to get out.

If you have thoughts or feelings like this or if you hate me now.....let me know.   Thanks for listening.