The plan

Well in my last post I said I had made a decision without discussing with Husband. We finally had a moment to sit down and process together. He did tell me he can't deal when I shut down like I did after the RE appt so that's why it took so long to sit down together. I told him I shut down because he doesn't always share thoughts and feelings with me and I was protecting myself, and us (and the bank accounts)....Its a process. Never the less, we proceeded to have a great conversation.

My plan holds, no drugs, no real charting, and I'm now leaning towards not even testing for ovulation....we'll see next week. Plan for Husband and moving forward; get the bills from the surgery, figure out a plan to pay for all that (and Xmas and J's bday). Then Husband will do the SA's the RE recommended, and most likely visit with the new urologist to see what he has to say. Then we will cautiously see what is covered and not covered by insurance....and move forward. I think we will save up and try one more IUI with the new RE once the urologist has given recommendations.

This new mental place feels kinda mental, I still want another baby soooo much, I just feel calmer about it, for now. Headed out of town to visit Husbands 96 yr old grandmother, taking my mother in-law along - going to be a looonng weekend.

Some updates and a break

So Dr Arrogant himself called me the day after our appointment. Knock me over with a feather. I was eating lunch last Friday, my cell rang and it was him! He was reading my 6 page questionnaire and had a few more questions and recommendations for us. He thought due to family history of female cancers, I should get a mammogram early. He also recommended genetic testing because some of the learning disability history in my family could carry a factor for Fragile X syndrome. I thanked him for calling and told him the SA results from the other urologist should be there soon and he said he would keep an eye out for them. Very interesting.

AF showed up Sunday night - right on time! My OB was right, the D&C changed it....wow.


WARNING - TMI to follow: went from thick, dark, and clotty to red and thin, like a bloody nose that won't stop. Bled through big time overnight. Woke up having to scrub out undies and pj bottoms, yuk. Then spent yesterday changing a super tampon and a regular pad every 2.5 hours. Thankfully this seems to be slowing down today.


OK I'm done with yukky sharing, sorry, it's just a big change. So...upon the arrival of AF, I had a decision to make; take the Clomid the OB gave me (that I stupidly picked up and paid for before our RE appt) or follow the RE's advice and do nothing because "nothing is wrong with me". Without having discussed with Husband, I think that I'm going to just do nothing as far as meds, I may do the OPK to monitor my O day just so we know...but we are headed into the holiday season, I don't think I want this hanging over my head during the holidays any more than it is. We will gather the bills from my surgery, figure out how to pay for that, Christmas, and J's 5th birthday. We will try to just be with the expectation that I probably won't get pregnant and then we can deal in the New Year...or we can stop.....

As of late, I have been digging through our cluttered apartment and have made a discovery....we need more space. There just isn't a home for everything. But I am making a good attempt - we all are. The apartment is starting to feel more organized and tidy. My brain is starting to feel more relaxed and less overwhelmed.

We will see where this all goes. These are just my thoughts for today. We will see what they are tomorrow.

Dr Arrogant

So. Forgive me if this post doesn't make sense, I'm really still processing it all.

Yesterday, Husband and I left work at 1:45 for our 1st RE appt at 2pm. We were told it would be about 40-50 minutes - so that puts us back at work around 3pm right? Cool - Just take it as a late lunch and we are good to go. Wrong! We arrived with plenty of time, checked in, was given loads more paperwork to look over and a very intimidating price guide (YIKES!!!!). I asked if he was running on time and they said yes.... At 2:25 we still had not been taken in so I asked again, and they said we were next. The nurse finally called us in, she took my vitals and weight (yuk - I have got to lay off the chocolate) and then a student Dr came in and apologized for the delay (something about a complicated ultrasound) to go over our history. She verbally asked us all the questions that I had filled out in that damn 6 page packet. Can they not f-ing read? I would have been happy to mail it over early or to fax it to save time. Ugh! Finally just after 3p, Dr came in also apologizing for delay and we got down to business. My OBGYN had warned me that he was an arrogant bastard and that I wouldn't like him - she was right. So I will call him Dr Arrogant.

1. Dr Arrogant reviewed my records and then proceeded to bash all her methods and pretty much told me everything she did was incorrect.
2. Dr Arrogant said anything over a 2 for progesterone levels on day 21 was ovulation and that there was no difference in ovulation quality. Dr Arrogant doesnt do day 21 Progesterone blood work because it shows nothing. (OK- a friend of mine who worked with the other fertility clinic in town said her doc said the same as my OBGYN anything lower than a 6 wasn't optimal and she did day 21 draws.)
3. Dr Arrogant said she should only have done 6 cycles of the clomid not 12. But I didn't really even need that now did I? Because as he had proven, I was ovulating.
4. Dr Arrogant said her charting for my ultrasounds and surgery was irregular periods and pain. He would have charted it as irregular bleeding. So he thinks she was stretching. Though it did rule out endometriosis and proved that my tubes were open.
5. Dr Arrogant is going to send a letter to my Dr to educate her on what she did wrong with my case. That really offended me - she did what I asked her to do and I told him that. We were trying to be fiscally responsible, she was assisting and he's going to write her a letter? Great, now I'm in the middle of a pissing war between my doc's. Especially cause he mentioned it several times during the appt. I hope she's expecting that....ugh!
6. Dr Arrogant then asked about my husbands semen analysis (SA) reports and I said the urologist should have sent them over (side note: On the 30th, I specifically asked for the records to be transferred for the appt on the 8th - they weren't there. When I called this am, the 9th, the girl says oh I'm sorry do you want me to send them now? Yes you f'ing little b-tch and can you pay for the appt we wasted too?) Dr Arrogant said well they are not here are they? So we really can't discuss anything other than hypothetical. He also told me to go pick them up personally. What a f-ing waste! If I had time to do that in the first place I would have.
7. Dr Arrogant wants to do new SA and depending on those results, which I expect to be poor, do another. Depending on those results, which I again expect to be poor, we should see his urologist. I asked what the difference was between ours and his and without asking who we saw, said that only 2 Dr's in Milwaukee specialized in reproductive urology. I asked a specific question about where the other Dr practices and guess what? That's the doc we saw last year! But his guy is better and more versed so we should go to him. Of course!
8. In an attempt to figure out how much this all may cost us and what insurance may cover, I asked about how the clinic did the billing. Do they label it all the codes for infertility, or is some of the testing covered etc...just trying to understand. Because I know that my insurance will not cover anything that is labeled infertility. Dr Arrogant proceeded to go into a speech about how some Dr's will fudge the codes so it is paid for but that's cheating everyone. He pretty much said that all his stuff is labeled infertility treatment. He also mentioned that the ultrasounds my Dr gave me every month was a waste of $ and if he was an insurance claims person he would take one look at my chart and know that we were trying to have a baby and deny it all.
9. Dr Arrogant will do insemination after all the SA's are done and I think would be willing to try another fertility drug (Femera). It would cost $800-$1300. Sigh.
10. He did give us a follow up sheet with his recommendations from the appt to take home....I was so disappointed and discouraged that I haven't even looked at it.

We left there at 3:50 and walked back into work at 4pm. Thank goodness our bosses are aware of our situation and are very flexible - it still made me nervous. We were an hour later than expected.

I immediately went into bitter shut down mode. We cant afford any of this. We haven't gotten all the billing for my surgery and I expect our portion to be about $1500-$2000. Not alot in the grand scheme of things but that will suck up alot of our savings. Leaving us with none to pay the RE clinic with. And as you all know, you have to pay for those services up front. So lets just save our $, stop looking for a 3 bedroom house and just get a 2 bedroom one - that will save even more $. I will plan a huge rummage sale in May and we can make some $ and stop paying for storing all that baby crap - whoo-hoo more $! Then we can get off this f-ing roller coaster. (I do seem to like the F word today - sorry. It has good enunciation and feels good in my frustration)

Several dear friends and even my husband told me to take some time and rationally process this. It is possible I am PMS'ing as well - today is cycle day 29. A very wise friend stopped me from going down the "I've wasted so much $ and time on this and all for what" road. She said whats done is done and you can only move forward. She is also a nurse and said that while she wishes he wasn't so rude, Dr Arrogant is an expert and he is best qualified to assist us in our path to a second child. Or the poor house, you pick. Oh, wait, that's right we are already there.

OK I have gone to the dark side and need to stop now. I know E is right in her assessment of all of it. My other friends are too. I love you all - thank you for your endless patience with me.

All Clear

So surgery went well (results in next paragraph) and I was a total slug during my recovery time. The 1st three days, Husband was awesome, setting a timer and not letting me go more than 4 hours without pain meds. Slept ALOT. The rest of the time I spent doing, well, not much . Almost no computer time - not even Facebook, lots of bad TV, finished the 7th Harry Potter book, and had a few small outings. But for a very busy non-stop kind of girl, I think it did me some good! Twelve days later I was feeling great (our apartment had gotten a bit confining) and went back to work, four business days sooner than anticipated; albeit wearing running pants instead of dress slacks. Did you know that sitting up at a desk is really hard work? The 1st day back I felt as if I had been doing crunches all day. The 2nd day that feeling didn't hit until about 3pm, the 3rd day it didn't hit until quitting time and Friday I was fine. J was so excited when I was able to pick him up again! Two weeks is a long time for a 4 yr old. Husband was thankful that Dr gave all clear for bedroom activities Thursday before he left for his business trip on Friday. He doesn't come home until very late Tuesday night. He is a very patient man, two weeks is long time for a healthy male adult and the prospect of an additional 5 days seemed enormous - even for me! :)

Surgery results were very positive for me. She found NOTHING wrong. No endometriosis or scar tissue, no blockage of the tubes, and the D&C pathology showed nothing. She told my husband I was as beautiful on the inside as I was on the outside. Love her! LOL! So we have ruled out just about every issue on my side, with the exception of not ovulating properly without meds. Now we know that the problem really lies with Husbands swimmers. At least its a few less strikes against us.

I have to say that I was rather amazed at myself going into the surgery. I thought I would wake up on surgery day all nervous and worried about potential results. I woke up and was calm and organized in my thoughts etc...I didn't even get nervous as I walked into the operating room. Just ready to know whatever the results would be. Now of course the outcome is so much better than I had hoped for, but I believe that I was in a place of acceptance and no matter what happened I would have been OK.

In the meantime, I set up an appointment at a very good fertility clinic 2 blocks from our office to meet with a Reproductive Endocrinologist for his opinion. If he recommends IVF as our only bet, we will politely thank him for his time and leave. That is not even close to an option for us financially and I'm not sure I'm up for the stress of it all. But we shall see - maybe he will allow us to do IUI with a trigger shot to narrow the window. Fertility clinics are also open on weekends when I seem to be ovulating (hence not trying another with my Dr all summer long!) so we will probably do a cycle or two more if the IUI before giving up.

All clear on so many fronts. It feels good, and hopeful and calm. Thanks for all your thoughts and support.

Surgery tomorrow

Well, from title post you will correctly guess that there will be no baby arriving around our anniversary in May. :( I am going in for surgery tomorrow morning at 11am. Surgery details can be found in earlier post.

Strangely, I am not nervous. Yet. Tomorrow am might be a better time to ask that question. I really am hopeful that we will get the answers we are looking for - good or bad - so we can make educated decisions and move forward.

I am praying hard that all she is going to do in there will allow us a renewed shot at having another child. I am frightened that she will tell me something bad, that I will have to face the knowledge that there wont be any more cute, blond-haired, blue-eyed Motley babies in the world. On the plus side of that, I could have a humongous rummage sale in the spring and unload a whole storage unit worth of baby stuff.

I am sure I will post after - several days of no driving will probably make me go crazy looking for stuff to do!!!! Prayers are appreciated!

Update/too much to hope for?

Well, I've been avoiding writing for awhile - wasn't sure what to say. Scared to think some stuff and out of town for 4 days over the holiday. But I should probably update you on whats been going down so here goes.

Husband was still real unsettled (which in turn had me real unsettled) about the potential surgery so I set up a consultation appointment with my Dr so that he could go too. God I love her! She explained everything she was going to do and why in detail (w/animated actions to go along with it) and he felt much better. We decided that we would do the surgery to take that "What if" question off the board. We are never going to go as far as IVF so now if we don't end up with any more babies, I will know that we investigated every angle. And now husband and I are on the same page and that feels better! Way better!

We also set up an appointment for a few weeks after surgery with an actual Fertility clinic that is about 2 blocks from where we work. We shall see what they say. If they say IVF is our only option - we will be done. Not sure what to do with that - but expecting it...my Dr said the fertility Dr was very good. An arrogant bastard, but very good. Glad she warned me! Maybe now I won't cry. Who am I kidding?

Now on to what I'm afraid to write about. I have had slightly sore breasts since last Thursday, increasing in tenderness as the days go by. I'm not due to get AF until Sunday. That's a long time isn't it? This morning my shirt seemed to be harsh on my nipples as I headed to the bathroom. Could I be? Is my body just playing tricks on me? Dare I hope? Is it too much to hope for? SOooooo tempted to test. Trying to wait until at least Saturday. Praying for a positive - due date would be my anniversary! Yes I checked...totally lame right?

Sigh - so long for now.

Breakdown - a side effect with a good result?

So other than some hot flashes with Clomid when I first started, and some doozy headaches the last 2 months, I haven't really noticed any real major side effects of taking it. Until possibly yesterday. I had a total breakdown - poor husband - didn't know what hit him! Major mood swings have arrived I think.....greeaat.

My husband and I are not confrontationalists and sometimes we do a real good job of avoiding a topic. I have been wanting him to talk about the possibility of my having surgery, he has simply said do what you think you need to do. Arrrrgh! Sooo last night, I came home and was internally agitated - wasn't sure what my problem was but I felt restless and unsettled. The neighbor asked if J could come play at his house, so we were alone for like 2 minutes and I jumped all over him for something and he pushed back and the floodgates opened! YIKES! My little push was so not about that. I finally told him that I want to know how he feels about all this - honestly. He told me he thinks having another baby is becoming my primary focus and he worries that it is escalating. I told him that I wasn't sure what to do, I wanted another baby and based on my chemistry, the only way for that to happen is to take meds, track our love life, do my day 21 blood work, and when I get my period, see the Dr so she can re prescribe meds and start all over again. If I stop all that - it will be like going back on birth control, no possibility of a baby, not even by accident. He got teary and said he would love nothing more than to have another child but he also knows that he can accept only having 1 easier than I can. So after lots of talking and crying on both our parts (much needed I think), we decided that if I am not pregnant, I will have the surgery, see what they say and we will have to have more conversations like this after we know more. I thought all was well. We had both stopped snuffling and it felt complete.

Then he said "Now, what are we going to do for dinner?" I didn't have a plan (or many options in the pantry) so naturally I burst into tears again. Whoa! Not just tears, sobbing. Over dinner and not having options? Seriously?!? OK ...calm down take a breath and move on. Wow!

The rest of the night was OK - he had some work to do and I made dinner, gave the boy a bath and put him to bed. This morning I feel like I've been hit with a ton of bricks, and I even went to bed early. So now what? Today I feel calm so far, but we shall see what the rest of the day brings. This journey is a roller coaster - have I mentioned I don't like roller coasters?