No baby, but hope

Hello lovely friends. I do have lovely friends. You all took time called, texted and emailed (some even sent flowers and chocolate!) your thoughts, tears, love and support. Losing this baby has been strange. I was devastated on Tuesday when she told me. We spent the rest of the day, holding each other, crying, and just being together. BFF E (I have about 3 BFF's) picked up J at school and kept him till about 7:30. By then we were able to compose ourselves and go out for a bit. Husband asked for beers, I didn't care as long as he promised it was not a backslide. Got some snuggling in with J, tucked him into bed, came out on the couch and cried my eyes out. Why? It's not fair. 3 years of trying, then no trying and then blessing us then this? Really? Not fair. Exhausted. Went to bed.

Awoke on Wednesday (D&C day) feeling.....calm and I found that strange. Had to eat before 6:45 so was up at 6 to eat some food and have some alone time. Woke up J and took him to school. Came home, curled up on the couch and watched a bunch of our DVR'd shows until my mom came to pick us up to go to the surgery center. I felt kind of peaceful. Kind of accepting. Not overly sad. Strange. Our pastor called (bff E's Dad) he said beautiful words, he made me cry. It felt good to cry.

At surgery center they were gentle with my feelings, and again, I love my Dr. She stopped by my prep room in her street cloths and chatted with us a bit. About the baby, about what comes next, about everyday life things. Then she went to change and scrub in and I went to the bathroom one more time. The anesthesiologist took me and walked me to the room and I climbed up on the cold table. They hooked me up to the monitors, put lovely warm blankets on me and put a mask on my face to make me sleep. My Dr came and held my hand as I fell asleep. I awoke with a start in recovery and wasn't groggy at all. The finality of it all hit hard and I cried with the nurse for a bit (her daughter has been struggling for 2 years to conceive). Then I just wanted to go home. The discharge area is nice. You sit in a recliner and sip juice until you have to go to the bathroom (then you can go home). Your family can be there with you and hold your hand. I felt fine other than a bit shaky from the anesthesia and really crampy from the procedure. Once I was discharged, we headed to the new house and dropped Husband off for the home inspection and off to Walgreens for meds (I think I love Darvacet), Caribou for decadent hot chocolate, then to school to pick up J. Home for some serious couch time. Strange feelings. Empty, sad, hopeful, excited about new house, snuggling with my boy, hanging out with my mom. Meds to help me sleep. Wonderful, resting, dreamless sleep.

Stayed home on Thursday because I couldn't drive or be left alone until 24 hours after the procedure. Used it as a good mental health day. My spirits felt strangely good - is that bad or good, not sure. Watched more tv, slept, ate whatever I wanted (spring oreos and milk....lots), talked about the new house and trying again for a baby, getting back on the healthy wagon on Monday. Husband promised sushi this weekend and wine if I wanted it. I am going to eat whatever I want until Sunday regardless of calories or goodness for me.

Friday we took a deep breath and went back to work. I recalled that I had a tiny opal necklace and put it on (opal is the October birthstone). A small symbol of my loss, a small comfort to wear. A few people at work knew and were gentle with us. We are not sure what was said to those who were not aware, but it was back to work as usual. 2.5 days gone and my desk was swamped. Good. It kept me moving and working. One small moment at work out of nowhere but then not too bad. Home to snuggle and just be.

Today, Saturday, dawned sunny and bright with a hint of spring in the air. No time for moping, J has dance class, zoo class, a birthday party at an inflatable play place and dinner and cake back at our friends house. This day dawned with hope and healing. I feel peaceful and stronger. I am anxious to wait my 2 cycles so we can try again, although frightened to go through this again. In the meantime, we will move to our new home, we will move our corporate offices at work the following week (are we crazy? possibly), I have recital to prepare my students for, and we have J. Sweet, lovable, huggable J. He knows nothing but senses something. He has been extra loving and snuggly and I am soaking it up.

Tomorrow, we will venture to church. To be closer to God, to accept the love and support of the community that is behind us. Thinking about it just now, tears spring to my eyes. It will be hard, but it will be good. Thank you again for the support friends, it means the world to us both.

Numb and sad...

Today I went back to the OBGYN. She bounced into the room, asking how great was last weeks ultrasound and do I feel preggo now? I laughed and said I am starting to feel more so. I scooted to the end of the table, and she got down to "wandy" ultrasound business.

Then her face changed. She moved the wand all around. She quietly said "oh no." The baby stopped developing some time last week. Shocking? Um yes. And no. Last week when she moved my due date, I will admit I got a little nervous. But we had seen the heartbeat and that looked so good. I started to believe it, to trust it. We told a few more people. Then this morning I got nervous. I can't tell you why. I im'd Husband before I left (he is in a huge development cycle at work and was out sick two days last week - we didn't think he needed to come....sigh). I told him I was nervous and he wisely said, stop that - if you do this the whole time it will be a long haul. He was right so off I went. So when her face changed....I actually wasn't surprised. It took a few minutes and then it started to hit me for real. This baby that we waited for sooooo long for, this miracle - wasn't actually to be. The Dr was very upset - more than me at first. She said I could wait for it to pass on my own but it could be awhile yet, or I could have a D&C. I opted for the D&C tomorrow afternoon. It's her day off but she got a sitter for her kids and will do the procedure herself. She is so special.

My mom is coming to drive us, Husband will be there and I have the thoughts and tears of many others supporting us. This is hard. I feel strange. I am fine one minute then sobbing the next. I am already ready to try again as I have true hope now. Yet I am so sad that this one will never be. What a roller coaster 2010 is turning out to be. We put in an offer on a house this weekend and it was accepted. now this. Strange. I will write more about all that later. Needed to process a bit. This blog helps - sorry if its disjointed. Tears and kisses. I love you all.

A "positive" 2010

Well hello there! We have some catching up to do! This blog will be a doozey! As you probably realized, I took a pause from blogging for a bit as there was some news that I needed to tell a few people about in person (didn't want them reading here first).

WE ARE PREGNANT!

Remember in the last post I was feeling kind of hopeless? Well my cycle didn't show by Sunday, January 31st and I was sooo crampy. So I quietly took a test in the morning and it turned positive - even before I flipped the stick over! Talk about surprised. I started shaking. Really? Me? For Real? (TMI alert) Then when I wiped, bright red blood. Oh no!!!!! Not alot just a swipe full. That was it - nothing else. So I got J some breakfast and then while he was eating took the stick into the bedroom, woke up husband and just held it out to him. It took a bit to register. Then he was happy, cautious though. I was nervous from the blood, and was just careful with myself that day. Figured that if it didn't work out, it was soon, no one knew but us, and wow I had actually gotten preggo with no assistance. Holy Cow! All seemed fine from then on. Took me almost a week to post it on a support board.

Now I have to take moment and say I love my Ob/Gyn. Seriously. I love her. She worked tirelessly with us for almost 2 years, checking me out, getting my cycle to regulate, teaching us the process, testing husband, working with those results. She worked with what we could do financially and emotionally. She was diligent, and honest and most of all patient. She was sad to see me each month for my ultrasound so I could get more Clomid. Not to "see" me but to see that it had not worked again. She waited until I made a statement indicating I was ready to do surgery before she talked about it, then did all she could in one fell swoop to answer as many questions about my fertility as possible. I healed and thought that based on the results (all positive for me), we needed to move on to an RE, just for an opinion. She recommended one, and we went to see him. I haven't seen her since the beginning of Oct. We only went to the RE (Dr Arrogant) for a consult, got frustrated with his comments and frightened by his price list and then took a holiday break.

Here is where the "I love my Dr" statement comes in. She called me at work today! She was looking ahead at her calender and saw me down for a pre-natal visit. She took the time out of her day to call me and tell me how excited she was. She actually "eeek'ed" several times on the phone! She asked if we had help. I said no, so she asked how. I said I think just healthy living and honestly nothing else. Nothing else after 3 years of trying, 12 rounds of Clomid, 1 failied IUI. She eek'ed again and asked how I was doing. Told me that if I needed or wanted to be seen before my appt on Feb 23 just to call. WOW!

We didn't say anything to anyone until Feb 10th, then I told my parents and my sister, and Husband told his sister, brother and mother. Everyone is sooooo happy for us. Then on the 12th a touch more blood (more TMI -sorry) after straining with a bowel movement, streaky and gooey yet still red. Had a total breakdown that evening. I mean, we have waited so long, this baby is already so loved, I just wanted it to be alright. I wanted to know it was in the right place and developing as it should. Took it easy for the weekend and because I sometimes bleed after lovemaking anyway, we've been abstaining. Poor Husband - but he understands and has been great.

This past weekend, I had an awesome girls weekend away with my 2 besties. We went to Schaumburg, Il for a hotel overnight, no kids, no hubbies. Shopping, eating, laziness, giggles, and plain old fun. Introduced them to IKEA - they were virgins! When E hopped in the van with a huge bottle of champagne, I simple looked at them and said, "You two will have to drink that on your own". Long pause as it registered and they were both so surprised and happy for us. Lots of baby talk over the weekend. Very fun. Came home and said you know what Husband, I missed you, lets give it a whirl. Just a small streak of red after, but it was worth it!!!! :)

I had my initial appointment with my OBGYN yesterday and actually got to see the little one. It measured smaller than what I thought. I thought I was 7 weeks she measured it at 6, but said that can happen with goofy ovulation. That fits my profile and cause I wasn't tracking, I have NO idea. There wasn't much to see, just a little blob with a flicker in the middle. Oh that beautiful flicker! Then she said to come back next week and we can see again. I cant wait for Tuesday! I need to go now. I will post more later. More changes are coming as our family grows.

A new year....and time to write.

I haven't fallen off the face of the planet. Really I haven't. Just been very busy at work and at home, which is a good thing cause we were on a break and it mostly kept the baby hoping at bay. Now as I approach what I am certain is my cycle arriving this weekend, I feel like mentally things are ramping up a bit. I feel disappointment and there is no news, I feel failure though I haven't "officially" failed, no sign of AF. What the hell is my problem today?

I got through the holidays pretty well. Dealt with getting my period full force on my son's 5th birthday. Sad for so many reasons, OK, not sad: a bit melancholy. My little baby is 5. He used to fit on my chest in tree frog snuggle and now we can barely both snuggle in the rocking chair - he is a tall boy! So many milestones that day. 5 years ago we had him. 3 years ago I felt it was time to start trying again. 2 years ago we started getting help, 1 year ago I started losing hope. This year.....I have no idea. J was student of the week after his birthday and they have to fill out a poster all about them. One section is about wishes. His first wish: a baby brother or sister. UGH!!!! He is so sweet with the babies in his life, he would be the best big brother.

So this is the year of change for the Motley crew. Around my birthday, we had a come to Jesus conversation at our house and Husbands alcohol consumption has been reduced to very special occasions only. He is doing really well. Wow what an improvement in our family life. We are having fun. We are having more sex, nice benefit for both of us. And, I think here is where the hope creeps back in, maybe there will be improved semen health. We have yet to schedule the SA, I'm kind of waiting now for about 3 months of healthier living.

As part of this healthier living (Husband needs to lower cholesterol and I need to lose some weight, OK....a LOT of weight) as a family (the grownups that is - then J by default) we are really watching what we are eating. We found a website that will help us figure out how many calories a day we should have, easily tracks calories, fats, sugars, fitness, etc... , has iPhone and Blackberry apps for on the go entering, and you can friend people and be each others support system. Very cool. In almost 4 weeks Husband is 1 lb away from his goal. I hate that guys can lose so easily by just cutting out chips and soda/beer. UGH! I have done well and not so well all at the same time. As of Tuesday, which was about 3 weeks, I was down 7 lbs, then Wednesday I was up 3 from that, what the hell? OK maybe its cause I eat dinner so late on Tuesday. Then Thursday was not much better, pounded water all day - so thirsty, now back down 1. So probably only lost 5.5 on average. I know its still a good trend. I know I shouldn't weigh everyday, but I need the accountability. I hate eating good. I hate having to think about it. I hate trying to balance it all out. I am frustrated today. Maybe I'm up cause of my impending cycle. I'm kinda hoping so... today I just really want a candy bar, and fast food, and to be cozy and warm. (its like 4 degrees out before windchill today - brrrrrrrr) I feel like chucking it all and saying what the hell. Hmmm thats like the 4th time I've said that.....

Well, I should get back to work. I will try to write again next week. Have a great weekend everyone! (Can you believe Feb is on Monday????? YIKES!)

I'm better - thank you for asking

I thought I would let you all know that I'm having a much better week than last week. That shouldn't be too hard to do, right?

Thoughts....the mom who complained about my class praised me up and down to my boss (huh?), and she claims she really appreciates my contributions. I have been gone too much from my family so I have put the kibosh on lots of extra running around and even skipped the gym this week for minimal disruptions. My friends: well they are sooo wonderful, and understanding. Money....just keep plugging away, enough said. We like our apartment, the location, and our neighbors, its just too small for all our stuff so take a deep breath and start small right? At least my tree is up, the boxes aren't put away, but tree is up. Small victories.

Thoughts on a baby...we are on a break so I'm not really tracking. Did not write down day 1 of cycle, pretty sure based on physical feelings that I am ovulating right now. I think that is early, but as I didn't write down day 1, I am not sure....sigh. So we have some pre-holiday fun and we shall see. I think I am resigning myself to just one beautiful, blonde haired, blue eyed baby boy for us (who is going to be 5 in 2 weeks!!!). There is a little hope left and it will be spent on some semen analysis for Husband. Maybe even over the holidays....fun....not! We shall see.

Whatever the case may be, please everyone have a happy and safe holiday season. Hug the children in your lives and revel in the wonder and excitement that they exude. I think it may be therapeutic (if you can let it be).

The "almost" optimist

Hello friends, I haven't forgotten about you, life has been a bit of a roller coaster lately. Busy, fun, and full. We had a great Thanksgiving but J started having fevers at night the day before that lasted all the way into the next week. Thank goodness for grape flavored children's Tylenol!

This weekend was a whirlwind of activities and emotions. Friday night, dinner with my sister and some old friends, went home for a total emotional breakdown (more in a minute). Sat, J had tap class, we went to storage to pick up holiday decorations, husband and I had bowling league, and then we surprised J by coming home and taking him to the Canadian Pacific Holiday Train stop in my parents town. Oh the joy on that little boys face! Soooo worth the cold (29 degrees) and late night. Sunday, Church and Sunday school - due to a mis-schedule the service was almost 2 hours!!! Lord. I was late to meet my sister to work out and discuss presents for our parents, which made me late to meet my mom to shop for my sister for xmas (we had kick a$$ coupons that were going to expire this week) which made in turn made me late to get home and do decorations with my family. I'm in the doghouse with husband and have no idea how to have made the weekend work out better for J (I didn't get to spend much time with him). I thought squeezing in the shopping with mom would save me another night gone this week - I was already out so just knock it out of the park, right? Wrong. Whatever-I suck apparently.

So on to the emotional breakdown from Friday (which is probably spilling into the Sunday "I suck" statement.) I had dinner with my sister and my boss from the dance studio and her daughter. We are all friends outside of dance and have made an effort to get together a few times a year. Anyway - it started out with my boss asking me a dance question. Kind of questioning my teaching ability for a student and a parent that is upset. Now she is fully aware of my abilities, and how far she is pushing my limits with this certain class. It just took me to an insecure place. Then I called and Husband thought I had told J I would be home for bedtime (it was after) I don't think I did but no matter, I was "late." So now I am not only an "ok" dance teacher, I am late to go home to my son. Greeaatt now even more insecure, aaaaand the floodgates opened.....

I am usually an optimist - seriously, I can easily and always give the benefit of the doubt to just about anyone and any situation. I rarely think someone is being malicious on purpose, however on Friday I realized that I am "almost" in my whole life. I can only almost do things, all things...I can almost have a clean and organized home, I can almost afford to buy a house, I can almost have time to spend with my son, I can almost have a baby, I can almost be a good wife, I can almost be a good friend, I can almost be a good teacher. But nothing I do is actually 100%. Not even close.

My home is dirty and messy and there are only hints of organization here and there. The laundry is never totally done. We can't afford to buy a house and have child care at the same time so we are stuck in an apartment. I am so busy with 2 jobs and trying to squeeze in time with my friends that I am often not home to spend time with J. I can't have a baby despite the Dr's finding no reason in me not to. Despite having a very large network of close friends, I just am not good at being a friend and when I find time to spend with them, I am not a good wife as I leave my husband at home with our son and only think about myself. I don't have the time or money to take classes outside of what I teach so am only an ok teacher. I am almost at the end of my rope.

I know my thoughts are everywhere - sorry about that. I don't have any wise quips to wrap this up. I don't have any good resolution. I am, just me, and I don't know how else to be.

Weird.....

Had the strangest feeling come over me yesterday. And it was weird.

First, let me say that we had a great weekend. We helped my mom with some things at her house on Saturday (because my dad is out of the country on business for the 3rd week in a row), took J to TrainFest for 5 hours on Sunday, and just enjoyed ourselves in general.

So on to the weird. I hadn't really thought about infertility or babies or anything close to that all weekend; well, at least not obsessively. I found out a close family friend is expecting and it was tough but whatever, life happens, people (especially young newlywed people) are going to get pregnant right? I did notice an abundance of strollers and new babies at TrainFest, but that's a good family activity so, whatever. No biggie. Well...I was folding some laundry last night and as I put my jeans away in the closet, out of nowhere, I had the thought, a statement actually, flash into my mind. "This is not going to happen for us." It was calm, and I stayed calm. It didn't send me into a tailspin, just made me quiet. I have been praying for guidance and knowledge. Is this it? Is this the answer? "Its not going to happen for us."

When he realized I was so quiet, Husband asked whats up and I told him about it. He was sooooo confused. He looked at me like I was on drugs and said, "Based on what? Where is this coming from?" I couldn't tell him as I had no idea. It wasn't like my dark place where I go when I'm feeling negative, which is what I think he thought was happening. It just was a statement that came to me out of nowhere.

Today, I just feel... weird. I can't explain it, I am not even sure how to process it. Maybe I should find one of those babies in my life, borrow a snuggle and see if they have any suggestions. Sigh.......