Nerves.....

Hello friends,

I have not been writing as I was trying not to dwell on my worries. I ended up calling the Dr last week and talking to a triage nurse. She was convinced that the bleeding was from straining with a BM and it seemed normal. I am trying soooo hard not to worry about every twinge and just be. I did move my appointment up from Thursday to today. I am going at lunch. Husband is going with me. I just have started to allow myself to believe that I am pregnant, to believe that it may happen, to make plans for when baby comes...I am nervous to go today. I am thinking mostly positive thoughts. I am also prepared for the worst. Ugh!!!!! I cant wait to see the little one on the screen. I want to hear Dr say that all looks amazing.

Thats all for now. Just a noisy brain and an unsettled stomach.

Holding on to hope on Fathers Day

Warning: TMI filled post to follow. Apologies in advance.

So despite my re-assuredness of the last doctors appointment, I woke up at 4 on Sat morning to surprise surprise, go to the bathroom and was shocked to see bright red blood streaked cervical mucus not a lot but enough to set off the alarm bells. I woke Husband up and shakily whispered "I 'm bleeding." He sweetly took me in his arms and held me and then asked how bad. Not much but nothing I wanted to see I said. He convinced me that it was no more than in Florida and things were fine. We had just seen two good ultrasounds and awesome growth...she said the chance was less than 5%. Please come to bed he said. As I lay in bed with his arms around me, I was trying trying so hard not to tense up my tummy muscles. Trying not to squish the fragile life inside me that I fear is slipping away. What a silly thought right? I felt crampy but I was also a bit constipated....what am I feeling miscarriage or just a belly full of poo? Who knows. We awoke at 8:30 and took J to see Toy Story 3 with some friends. A good reason to get up, shower, get dressed and live a little. The movie was cute (a bit dark if you ask me) and we came home for naps. Then a low key evening and early to bed. Not one sign of blood all day long. Not a drop. Maybe a fluke I thought and relaxed as I fell asleep.

Until this morning, I awoke at 5 to go to the bathroom and there was (TMI again) pinkish orange-ish fluid on the TP. I didn't wake up Husband, I crawled back in bed and somehow fell into sleep. I tried to be excited when J brought in his Fathers Day card and present to Husband at 7:05. I tried to be a good mom and get up then but I couldn't so we set him up with the Wii and let him play while I slept for awhile longer. I whispered to Husband that I am not sure things are going in the right direction. He hugged me and monitored me all day long. I am frightened. I had opened up my heart to think all was well. I am sooo afraid that all is not well. I did eventually get up and we were productive today. It actually felt good. And like yesterday, there have been no more negative signs. I am wishing for a window into my belly so I can see for myself that all is well or not. Waiting 2 weeks seems like forever, yet I don't want to just run to the Dr again for nothing.....its 2 hours out of my day and Husbands cause I would ask him to go too. I think I will call in the morning and see what Dr says....I'm a little afraid of going to sleep because inevitably I will have to get up to pee and then......Arrrrgggghhhhh I HATE THIS!!!!!!!

Oh friends, why is this not easy? I remember being pregnant with J and I was so ....carefree. What the hell did I know. I didn't even realize he was my miracle baby. I didn't savor it. Now the quest to bring him a healthy baby brother or sister into the world is all consuming. I can make it through the business day but by the time we get home I'm physically beat. Then, I'm trying soooo hard to stay positive but fresh memories of a miscarriage in March easily creep into my head. I'm mentally exhausted.

Husband just came in and said your typing like a mad woman. I guess I just needed to get this all out. Thanks for listening and sending your thoughts. I really appreciate it. Love to all. Prayers for baby. Good Night.

Gummi Bear

So my friends, 1st, if you haven't read the post from last week titled "Vacation and some other positve news", you may want to read the positive news section before moving on to this one. :)

Now on to this weeks appointment. I patiently waited from last week Tuesday to yesterday. Somehow, managed to not worry, stayed off of Dr Google, and took it easy. I was met with great reward. And I don't mean the 4 lbs gained from the constant grazing needed to keep the nausea at bay! :) Dr came in and got right down to peeking business. She instantly started gushing about how good it looked and how huge it was (I am not sure I like the term huge - J was a 9lb 3oz baby and huge is scary!). She was thrilled at the growth and how perfect the baby looks at this stage. It looks like a gummi bear she said and it did. We could see arm and leg buds, the big head and the little curved body. Wow thats a lot of change for 9 days! So for two weeks in a row we have officially seen a baby with a heartbeat WITH good growth and got pictures to take home. She was thrilled and I feel better. Still not shouting from the rooftops, but much better.

I see her again in 2 more weeks (I think she is doing that for my peace of mind, but who cares I'll take it!!!) I will be 11 weeks along then and really close to out of the first trimester. Then she will graduate me to once every 4 weeks.

Will I ever relax? I still can't totally believe it. I still am protecting my heart a bit. January is a long ways off. Thoughts for another post, I guess cause I don't wanna think about scary stuff right now. Positive, positive, positive.

Happy Friday to all - have a great weekend everyone! I gotta go find a snack.....

Vacation and some other positve news

Hello friends!

Well back to reality today. The alarm went off very early and sent us marching back to work. Our vacation was Fabulous!!!! Here are the Cliffs Notes.

We arrived in Pensacola, Florida on Tuesday night and by early morning Wednesday, we were watching the Blue Angels practice their show in the rain - J's eyes could not have gotten any bigger and I am a bit of a speed freak so it was AMAZING. The rain tapered off and we walked on Officers Beach on the base and it was gorgeous, sadly just off shore there were crews setting out protective booms for the impending oil. We had lunch on a deck next to a bayou, swam in my bff's pool and went to dinner on the beach and walked way out on a pier. Thursday, we got a late start, packed a picnic lunch and ate it under a shelter near the road - overlooking the beach. Soooo beautiful. The rain came and delayed our intentions of a dolphin cruise, but we did some shopping and got on a 6 oclock cruise. I have never seen so many dolphins! It was amazing. The captain let all the kiddos on board take a turn at the wheel and photo op for the parents - J looked sooo proud. Dinner at a great Irish place. WAAAYYYY too much food. Friday dawned hot and we headed to a southern cooking place for lunch - soooooooo good! OMG! then to the beach for a long afternoon playing in the surf. Word of tar balls washing up had brought out the news crews from as far as Atlanta and they were all over the boardwalk - weird. But we saw no oil so our day was fantastic. A thunderstorm chased us away and we ended up at a great burger joint. Early to bed after showers and lotion for slightly sunburned skin. (we are from Wisconsin - it doesn't take much!). By Saturday morning they were finding tar balls on the beach we had just been playing at. I had felt empathy and sadness for the region prior to going - now it just makes me sick. Saturday the weather did not play nice and it rained/stormed all day so we stayed in and watched Disney movies. The storms of course messed up our flights home so we flew to Atlanta, spent the night at a hotel there and got up early to catch a plane home. We were home and in bed for much needed naps by noon, up around 2, went to 2 children's birthday parties, and the grocery store all by 6pm and managed to get unpacked and 2.5 loads of laundry done.

Now for the positive news:

Husband/Cancer update, Nick had an annual appointment with a new Oncologist this morning and he has reached the 10 year graduation mark! We don't have to have these appointments or tests anymore! HOOOORRRAAAYY! Just live a healthy life and have some normal screenings, colonoscopy and prostate screenings at age 40.

Me update: I haven't wanted to say anything, because frankly, I am nervous, a bit scared and just dont know what to think and but I needed some online support. So here goes...... Three weeks ago today I took a positive pregnancy test. We weren't trying, we weren't supposed to be trying, frankly we were just enjoying a marital moment and I told him not to stop (it was good! hehehehe) then I started wondering one day where my cycle was.....and I realized I was late. So I took a test and sure enough, pregnant. All was going well until last week in Fla, I had a little blood streaked cervical mucus, and it hasnt really gone away. I dont know what to think, I dont know what to do. I didn't let it wreck the vacation (we don't have the money to take them very often) though it did put a cloud of awareness over it. Since the day I found out, I have been protecting my heart, honestly if I miscarry, I will be sad but I dont think devastated....I may be able to have it happen naturally. Is that weird? Is that just brave talk? I go to my OBGYN tomorrow at lunch. I dont know what to think. I have told very few people, and honestly, if some of my real life friends find out on this website instead of in person, I am very sorry. I am just protecting myself. Please, please understand. I will try to update tomorrow after the appointment - prayers are appreciated.

*****UPDATE: Dr appt today. I was really nervous! Like almost threw up nervous. According to her chart baby should have measured at 7 wks 6 days..........actually measured at 8 wks 4 days! WOW! She was thrilled and said she was very happy and excited. Bringing me back next week as a precaution due to the small amt of bleeding and will do all the blood work and routine testing then. I will be taking Husband with me this time! :) Thanks for the prayers - please keep us in your thoughts as we move through this. I am going to try to relax and just be until next week Thursday. 9 days.....can I really wait 9 days to see the little one again?